Almost

By Suz suzvoy@yahoo.com

Disclaimer - characters belong to Paramount. La la laaaa.

Feedback is a wonderful thing.

 

***

 

Kathryn Janeway slowly woke to the sound of her First Officer calling for her. Blinking, she told him to enter her quarters, then quickly sat up as she remembered her dream. She flushed a deep red. She'd certainly had sexual dreams before, but never that intense… 

"Kathryn?"

Her eyes shot up to meet his, which were peeking around the doorway to her bedroom, clearly trying to be careful about what they saw. She cleared her throat and pretended to brush the wrinkles out of her blanket. "Yes Commander?"

He moved into the room but remained near the entrance. "You're late for your shift."

"What?" she exclaimed. A quick glance at the chronometer next to her confirmed that he was right. How embarrassing. In her four years of commanding Voyager she had never once been late for her shift. She wasn't sure what would be worse - the teasing she'd get from Tom, or the arched eyebrow she'd no doubt receive from Tuvok.

"I must have…overslept." She stated rather obviously.

He smiled.

"Well, thank you for waking me Chakotay. It you can give me a few minutes…" she asked, pointing to the doorway.

"Oh yes, of course." He replied quickly as he headed for the exit. "I'll see you on the bridge."

He left her bedroom and she immediately threw off the cover and headed for her closet.

His voice could still be heard as he left her quarters. "And don't worry about what the bridge crew will think. I told them you were checking over some readings in the astrophysics lab."

 

***

 

Clearly they hadn't believed a word of it, if the half smiles and arched eyebrows that greeted her on the bridge were anything to go by.

"Good morning Captain." Tom greeted cheerfully. A little too cheerfully.

"Mr Paris." She replied as she took her seat.

A few minutes of button pressing went by before he spoke again. "Did you find what you were looking for in astrophysics Captain?"

The room seemed to freeze as they waited eagerly for her response. The mood of the bridge for the rest of the shift would be determined by her reply. Finally she smiled softly and told him, "As a matter of fact I did. The Delaney sisters have been creating a wonderful statistical analysis on the number of nosy Lieutenants who end up cleaning out the waste extraction filtering system."

The tension on the bridge instantly lightened and everyone chuckled, including Harry despite the look Tuvok sent him.

Tom wrinkled his nose at the idea and feigned innocence. "Sounds…appetising. It's a good thing I know when to quit."

"Indeed it is Mr Paris."

 

***

 

Kathryn eventually escaped to her ready room under the pretence of going through the monthly security report. The real reason was that she couldn't keep her mind off the dream she'd had.

Drumming her fingers on the top of her desk, she tried to remember as much of the dream as she could. Her memory of it was getting less distinct with every moment that passed, but that was the same with all dreams she had. What she did remember about the dream was this - it has involved the most exciting, satisfying sex she'd ever had.

That bothered her. She'd never had sex that satisfying while she was awake.

With Mark it had been nice - but that was it. Nothing Earth-shattering.

Sex with Justin had been more satisfying, but even so it had lacked something.

Kathryn had always (rather foolishly, she admitted) lived with the impression that once she found the perfect man for her they would have the most unbelievably incredible sex. It hadn't happened. She'd known Justin wasn't 'the one', but she'd thought Mark had been. He could well have been for all she knew, but even so the sex hadn't been what she expected. Not that she was disappointed (much); he always tried to satisfy her.

But just once…just once before she died she wanted to experience hormone-driven, toe curlingly good sex. She wanted to scream out her lovers name while still joined with him. She wanted to orgasm again and again, floating on waves of pleasure. She wanted…

God she was turned on.

She blushed deeply when she realised she was picturing Chakotay's face. In fact she was picturing quite a bit more than Chakotay's face.

Rising sharply from her seat Kathryn fanned her face with her hands. She quickly ordered a glass of water - cold - and sprinkled drops of it onto her face. That didn't take care of the problem though.

She sat down in her seat again, trying to ignore the feeling growing between her legs.

 

<BEEP BOOP>

 

Dammit. She knew who it was. It would be just her luck. "Come in." she ordered, trying to sound unaffected.

As predicted her First Officer entered the room.

"Commander"? she asked crisply, crossing her legs beneath the desk. Mistake. She almost exhaled at the sensations that caused. Trying to focus, she spent an inordinate amount of time staring at his com badge.

He walked towards her and held out a PADD. "We've completed the long range scans you ordered. There's nothing of interest close by, but there is an M-class planet we'll come upon eventually. Early data suggests it could provide us with a good supply of foodstuffs."

She leant forward slightly to accept the PADD and felt another twinge between her legs. She caught her lip with her teeth to stop the gasp from emerging. It did not go unnoticed.

"Kathryn?"

No no no! Don't use my name. 

"Kathryn, are you alright?"

Shit.

She leant back in her chair, pushing away the images of pulling her XO onto the table and ripping his uniform off. She smiled as sincerely as possible. "I'm fine Chakotay. But thank you for asking."

He studied her for fully ten seconds. She was getting awfully close to giving into her impulse.

"So you're fine?" he finally asked.

"Absolutely." Kathryn replied confidently. 

"Then why do you have water on your face?"

Ah. She'd forgotten about that. How can I bullshit my way out of this?

"I was…rather hot earlier. That's all." She almost winced at the lousy excuse, and was fighting the urge to wipe the moisture off.

He smiled and nodded slowly, his head angled down but his eyes looking up at her. "Really?"

God he looks gorgeous when he does that…

Unconsciously she clenched her thighs together under the table. Her evil side took notice. Actually, this might be kind of fun…

It had been so long since she'd felt like this. Could she really deny herself?

Her instinct kicked in and she found herself holding her arm out toward the chair opposite from hers. "Chakotay, would you care to join me?" Her mind had taken a decidedly dirty approach to that phrase, and began thinking of all the ways she'd like to join with him.

Chakotay frowned and for a terrible moment she thought he was going to leave. Thankfully he didn't and sat down with a quiet "Okay."

That sat in silence for an uncomfortable couple of minutes while Kathryn pretended to read the PADD he'd handed her. When she risked a peek up at him he was staring at his hands which were fidgeting in his lap. Chakotay? Fidgeting? Something must really be bothering him.

Kathryn placed the PADD silently on the table. "Chakotay?"

His head instantly snapped up, his eyes wary and somewhat guilty. "Yes?" 

"Are you alright?"

His face tensed for a moment but then relaxed. Chakotay smiled. She knew then that it was nothing serious because it was as broad and as sincere a smile as she had ever seen. She shifted in her chair, brushing her thighs together again. She couldn't stop the small gasp this time, but she managed to make it sound like a sigh.

He'd been about to answer when Kathryn sighed. She was looking out the viewport now and her right hand had reached up and was rubbing at the side of her throat. She obviously couldn't find a comfortable spot in her chair because she kept moving slightly. He sympathised with her. He hated that when it happened to him.

But it was getting distracting. From the way she was constantly moving about he could almost believe that she was…well, up to something. But now? While he was in the room?

She moved again and exhaled heavily, still facing the viewport. He couldn't say a word. He was transfixed as he watched her slowly close her eyes. He felt himself begin to respond.

Her hand had moved up to her mouth now, and she was biting the side of her index finger. Her left hand had moved up and was caressing the left side of her throat. She was clearly trying not to moan.

He shuddered, and at the sound of the movement her eyes shot open and gazed at him, horrified to realise that he was still there. My God, what was I thinking? She didn't have to say anything, because both of them knew what she was thinking just then.

"Um..." she coughed "perhaps you should leave now Commander." Her hands were quickly lowered.

"Err...well Captain, as much as I would like to oblige you, I don't think that's a very good idea at the moment."

She glared at him. "May I ask why?"

He cleared his throat. "Let's just say…personal reasons."

"Oh." Her eyes widened dramatically as she realised what he meant, and she found it incredibly hard (no, not hard!) not to look at his lap. "Oh."

She couldn't send him out of here like that, what the hell would the crew think? But she couldn't stay in the same room with him like that. Quickly jumping up from her chair she ran into her bathroom and engaged the lock.

She leant against the wall thinking of how incredibly stupid that move was. He would assume that she was in here to…well actually, maybe she should.

No! Not while he was right outside.

But then he'd assume she was doing that anyway.

Angrily she unlocked the door, walked back into the ready room, and threw herself onto the couch completely avoiding looking at him. She leant forward against the back of the couch looking out into space, her back to him. She was absurdly aware of the pressure of the couch on her nipples through her uniform.

They must have stayed that way for ten, fifteen minutes.

"You know, there are a million reasons why we can't get involved."

Her voice shattered the silence that had hung around them. He had already been looking at her, but now he was focusing on her head which was moving slightly as she talked.

"Okay, maybe not quite a million. But a lot."

He didn't reply. He didn't think he needed too.

"Alright, just one."

Finally he had something worth saying. "Protocol."

He watched as her back tensed and she didn't speak for a few moments. When she did, she sounded hesitant. "Sometimes I think protocol is a load of horse shit."

That was one hell of a surprise coming from her.

"You're probably surprised, but you shouldn't be. I have the same feelings as anyone else. The same desires." Kathryn clutched onto the couch. "But protocol is what I was raised with for my whole life. At home Daddy would test us before we ate. I went to the best schools and colleges, and then to Starfleet Acadamy. And throughout the whole time the thing, the…idea that was drilled into me most of all was the importance of protocol. It's not just something I can give up."

"I never said you had to."

Kathryn frowned. He was as short and succinct as ever, but he had a way of confusing her.

He continued speaking. "But you're right. You are the same as everyone else. You have the same feelings, the same desires. And I know that if we were in the Alpha Quadrant it would probably be easier for you. But we're not there. We're 60 years away from Starfleet, from their regulations. I know how important they are to you - they've been an integral part of your life for so long. But can't you bend them a little? Starfleet would understand."

He didn't understand. She told him as much. "This isn't about Starfleet. I know how incredibly selfish this sounds, but this is about me! I can't do this. I can't get involved with a member of my crew, especially my First Officer."

There was at least a minute of silence before he replied.

"Alright. But what about your physical needs? You can't suppress those for 60 years."

He was right of course.

"This is going to sound like an incredibly bad line, but…I'm willing to help."

"Help?"

"Help you to…relieve some tension whenever you need to."

She blinked and shifted slightly. Had she heard right?

He continued.

"We don't need to become…involved as it were. But I'd be there for you whenever you needed me."

Tears started to form at the corner of her eyes and she scrunched them shut. "Oh my God."

He took it the wrong way. "Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have even suggested it."

"No." she whispered. "No, it's not that. It was just…unbelievably selfless." A tear escaped the corner of her right eye. She knew how much he loved her. To suggest that and not to ask for anything more…it was incredible.

She heard his smile as he spoke. "Kathryn…it wouldn't exactly be a hardship for me."

"Dammit, this isn't funny Chakotay! Do you realise what you're suggesting? You're suggesting that you hoar yourself! If it were just a matter of sexual fulfilment I could have sex with anyone on the ship. Or any alien we encountered. But I'd rather have sex with someone I'm attracted to. Unfortunately for both of us you're the only one who falls into that category. If we had sex…I know it couldn't just stay that way for long. I care about you too much. No, Chakotay. We're in a no-win situation." She paused her tirade for a much-needed breath. "I can't tell you how much I appreciate the thoughtfulness of your…offer. But I can't. We can't."

He couldn't reply. He had no argument that would convince her right now.

"Are you…acceptable?" she asked quietly.

He mumbled an affirmative response.

"Then please leave." They could have been said harshly, but the words sounded warm despite the sadness they brought.

He stood up from his chair and studied her profile one last time. She was still staring out at the stars.

Turning toward the door he made his exit.

When he was gone, Kathryn sat in silence for a few moments. Then she activated the privacy lock and sobbed onto the couch.

 

~FINIS