This story was written by Suz firstname.lastname@example.org, could possibly be considered a sequel of sorts to Kim's wonderful 'Earth Angel', and as so is quite disturbed. Sorry Kim.
There was nothing he could do to prevent it. He'd tried programme after programme but the thrill just wasn't enough. The buzz was too weak. He created the Captain Proton holoprogramme and for a while he was happy; it kept him sufficiently excited. Then one afternoon as he was rescuing Buster and Constance from the deadly mines of Mercury for the fifth time, the excitement vanished.
There was only one thing he could do; one thing that would keep his desire to be needed fulfilled. As his life drew closer to this inevitable moment, those around him began to worry but there was absolutely nothing they could do...
HOW TOM USED EM'S COLD MEDICINE TO SAVE THE DAY!!!
Tom and Harry stumbled out of Tom's quarters, Harry part-way through a conversation. "Wait up will ya, Tom? I haven't got my mask on yet. And this damn cape keeps getting jammed in the most uncomfortable places."
Swivelling sternly, his own cape flowing freely, Tom berated him. "We are not Tom and Harry! From now on when we wear these outfits I am the Blonde-Haired Shuttleman and you are my trusty sidekick, Frank."
"But I'm *always* the sidekick," Frank whined, finally getting his mask on and pulling his cape out of a certain body crevice. "Can't I be the lead character just once?"
"No," Blonde-Haired Shuttleman stated before whirling away again and pointing down the corridor dramatically. "There's trouble on this ship and they need heroes like us to solve their problems. Tally ho!" Blonde-Haired Shuttleman proceeded to bound along the corridor towards the turbolift, cape flying behind him.
Sighing, Frank held as much of his cape in his hands as possible before lumbering after him. "I'm never letting him eat sugery foods ever again. I *knew* it would make him hyperactive..."
The occupants of the mess hall were stunned to see two of their senior officers enter the room wearing tight lycra outfits. They certainly didn't look as good on them as they did on Seven of Nine.
Jumping onto the closest table and causing everyone surrounding the said table to lean back instinctively, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman placed his hands on his hips and shouted: "Here I come to save the day!"
Silence was all that greeted him as the crewmembers present blinked, dazed, until Frank moved further into the room. "What are you here to save us from?"
Turning on his yellow knee-high boots, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman pointed at Neelix who was standing by the counter. Finally absorbing what was going on, the Talaxian frowned, offended. "Me? What have I done to them?" Squinting his eyes he examined Blonde-Haired Shuttleman in more detail. "Is that you under that stretchy material, Tom? I can't say it's very flattering."
Ignoring Neelix's second question, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman leapt from table to table to reach him. Each table he leapt on seemed to wobble more than the last, and there wasn't a whole lot of room. Eventually reaching the table directly in front of Neelix, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman stopped to catch his breath, trying to look as if he wasn't gasping in Oxygen.
The table wobbled precariously beneath him as he wheezed for breath and pathetically pointed again at Neelix. "You..." he heaved "you make them eat the *demon* food!" The mention of that particular food brought new life to him and he stood proudly, almost breathing normally. "You make them eat..."
"No, not that!" Frank interrupted, rushing forward to stand next to the table. "Anything but that!"
Blonde-Haired Shuttleman bent down, boots creaking, to pat his companion on the shoulder. "I'm sorry my friend," he informed him grimly "but it's true."
Frank tutted and angled his head away in pity.
Still bent down, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman looked back at Neelix. "You make them eat...leola root!" he shouted, becoming aware of the people in the room who started to surround the table, giving support now that they had overcome their initial shock.
Neelix stuttered, backing into the kitchen area. "But..I..I thought you *liked* it!" he explained, raising his arms in defense.
"No we don't!" everyone shouted.
Blonde-Haired Shuttleman stood once more, crossing his arms and puffing out his chest. "I think it's clear that you've made an error in judgement here Neelix. I know you love these people, this crew, and wouldn't deliberately hurt them. You were just blinded by your own adoration of the infamous root. We will not punish you." he declared, and the crowd around him 'awwed' in disappointment. "But we will destroy the evil root!" he exclaimed, raising morale.
Cheering, the crowd rushed forward and around the counter, nearly trampling Neelix in the process. Soon they had the leola root that had previously been in the cupboard in their hands.
"That's not all of it!" Frank pointed out. "Don't forget the leola root in the airponics bay."
"He's right!" someone yelled.
"Yes, let's get down there!" someone else agreed.
A mad scramble was made by all to get to the doors, and in less than thirty seconds the only people remaining in the mess hall were a very confused Talaxian and a sidekick who was helping a Shuttleman down from a table.
"Careful where you put that hand of yours Frank..."
"Sorry Blondie. There was no where else I could grab onto."
Pulling away from his sidekick, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman smiled at the other man in the room. "Well, this was great Neelix! We've gotta go though. This was really just a diversion Frank here suggested as we made our way to the bridge. There's someone there that really needs our help."
Neelix, too dumbstruck to say anything, merely nodded and admitted to himself that he was quite scared by the bulge in Blonde-Haired Shuttlemans tights.
When they reached the bridge Chakotay was crying again. This time he had somehow managed to pull her coffin onto her seat so it was laying across the arms. "She loved her chair..." he mumbled, wiping the tears from his face with a lace-edged handkerchief.
Blonde-Haired Shuttleman sighed. "This is serious Frank. He just hasn't been the same since she died."
Frank agreed. "And that coffin is still freaking me out."
"There's nothing else for it," he stated, clapping Frank on the shoulder. "We're going to have to bring her back to life."
"And just *how* are we going to do that? Even Seven couldn't do anything to save her."
Blonde-Haired Shuttleman grinned. "You leave that to me, Frank-a-roo." And with that he bounded to the front of the bridge.
"Of course," Frank muttered "don't tell the sidekick the plan, will you? God only knows when you might actually need my help for once and that ego can't save you from everything..."
Approaching Chakotay, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman knelt before him. The Captain didn't even seem to notice what his pilot was wearing. "Why is it that you cry so?" Blonde-Haired Shuttleman asked.
"Kathryn's dead!" Chakotay wailed, blowing his nose loudly.
"But that was nearly a year ago! Don't you think you should have started to at least *try* to get over it?"
Chakotay paused mid-blow, a tear on his cheek. "Well, I did actually but the writers wanted me to show more emotion."
"Understandable," Blonde-Haired Shuttleman agreed "but does it have to be the excessive crying? Why couldn't it be more the angry warrior?"
"Angry warrior!!??" Chakotay wailed again and started crying once more, burying his face into the handkerchief. "Ew, I just used this to blow my nose...damned writers never think of plot consistancy."
Standing, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman spoke. "Fear not, fair Captain! I have something here that will bring your beloved Kathryn back to life!"
"You do?" Chakotay asked, leaping up from his chair and discarding the handkerchief. "But where? What is this miracle cure?"
"I have it right here," he declared, reaching into his tights.
"Umm, Tom..." Frank warned, suddenly appearing next to him.
"I told you, it's Blonde-Haired Shuttleman!"
"Fine, Blondie, are you sure you should be doing that in public?"
The superhero's answer was to yank hard to produce...a bottle.
"What's that?" Chakotay asked, thankful that it hadn't been a gherkin.
Blonde-Haired Shuttleman began unfastening the lid. "It's a bottle of EM's patented cold medicine."
"And *that's* going to bring Kathryn back from the dead?"
He shrugged. "Hey, don't knock it. It was potent enough to work on Jock, my trusty steed."
Frank blinked. "Steed? You have a horse? Since when?"
Something neighed behind him. Spinning wildly, the cape getting stuck in yet another body crevice, Frank stared at the horse behind him. "How long has this horse been here!?!"
Chakotay and Blonde-Haired Shuttleman tutted as if he was stupid. "He followed us all the way here from the mess hall."
"Well I sure as hell don't remember sharing a turbolift with him. What's the smell?"
Managing to get the lid off, Blonde-Haired Shuttleman grimaced. "Well...actually he'd been dead for a while before I revived him."
"So what's that going to mean for Kathryn?" Chakotay asked, worried.
The superhero didn't know. "Let's find out. Frank, if you could do the honours..." he nodded towards the coffin, wanting his sidekick to open it.
"Oh sure, let me do the manual labour," Frank moaned, but began pushing up the lid of the coffin. "Oh man," he said "that's not pretty."
"What?" Chakotay demanded, grabbing his handkerchief again. "What isn't pretty?"
Blonde-Haired Shuttleman pushed in front of both of them and before either of them could say a word more he used the cold medicine. Almost immediately the body started making a horrible wheezing sound. "It's alive!" he exclaimed.
Chakotay and Frank continued to look down at her as she breathed, their noses wrinkled in disgust. "God Blondie, you really did some damage that time you dropped the coffin."
"We should get her to sickbay," Blonde-Haired Shuttleman suggested, ignoring Frank's comment.
Chakotay nodded, his face buried in the handkerchief.
Frank asked the one question they had all been avoiding. "Which part of her should we transport first?"
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Suz's Voyager Fanfic