Disclaimer - All the people I talk about were created by something called a Paramount. Why would a Para want to Mount, anyway?
This essay is the Doctor's idea. I haven't written a lot of essays yet - I'm only four! - so it won't be very good. But I'll try. And the Doctor said that if he thought it was good enough he'd let the rest of the crew read it, especially the Captain.
Of course I'm going to try!
And of course I'll be using the spell checker a lot.
Deciding just who should be mentioned in the essay, I thought that it should involve any member of crew who regularly attends staff briefings. Neelix and Seven of Nine may not have gone to Starfleet Academy, but they have become important to the function of the ship.
Well, here goes!
Neelix - Morale Officer, Unofficial Ambassador, Cook...and most importantly, my best friend. You see, Voyager doesn't have a lot of kids on board. In fact, I'm the only one. Which I find very strange. You'd think that after all this time stuck out here they'd have had more than one kid.
Anyway, he baby sits me a lot. He's my Godfather, which means that if anything ever happens to Mom then he'll look after me all the time. Speaking of Mom...I think he may want to have snugglehuggies with her.
The only bad thing about Neelix is that he seems to be quite interested in leola root. From what I've been told, I'm quite fortunate to never have tasted it. Mom says she won't let me try it because she's worried it'll stunt my growth. I think she's just joking, though. Everyone knows that my growth rate is much faster than other kids.
Seven - Full name: Seven of Nine, tertiary adjunct of unimatrix zero one. But I just call her Seven. Can you imagine if she insisted on being called by her full name all the time?
Obviously, she used to be a member of the Borg. She became a member of the Voyager crew after the Captain freed her from the collective. She hasn't had the easiest time getting comfortable here, but I think she's adapted just fine now.
Mom thinks I see too much of her.
She doesn't know that I'm planning to do my impressions for the next talent night. I think my Seven impression will make everyone laugh. I hope so.
Wears tight clothing. Talks about efficiency a lot.
Ensign Kim - He plays the clarinet.
Ensign Paris - He let me pilot the Delta Flyer! I've heard that he runs this really neat black and white holodeck programme, but Mom won't let me visit. She says that it's...what was it? Oh yeah...'demeaning to women', whatever that means.
Which is typical, because she won't let me see Sandrines either. I've heard all about it, and Neelix is sweet and tries to tell me that it's nothing special, but I know otherwise.
What else? Um...oh! Yeah, he's *definitely* having snugglehuggies with Lieutenant Torres. Mom and I used to have quarters on the same deck as them, but she requested a transfer for us after they started having dancing lessons. Apparently they used to play the music too loud and it kept Mom awake. I don't know why she didn't simply ask them to turn it down a bit.
Lieutenant Torres - Snugglehuggies with Ensign Paris, obviously. An excellent Engineer and former member of the Maquis.
Bit of a temper.
I hope she doesn't read this.
A very good dancer, if her impromptu tango session with Ensign Paris in the Jeffries Tube is anything to go by.
Part Human, part Klingon. Which is where she gets her temper from. I once asked her that if she was unhappy with her cranial ridges then maybe she'd like to swap them for my spikes. She didn't seem pleased with the idea. I was only trying to help.
The Emergency Medical Hologram - EMH for short, or just the Doctor. Seems to think that he knows everything about everything, which is basically the truth.
Sings a great deal, especially opera. Insists on taking holoimages of everything. I don't care what he says - taking a picture with a camera that can see all the way down the sub molecular level can't be good for you.
Wants snugglehuggies with Seven, but tries and fails to keep it a secret.
Lieutenant Commander Tuvok - Chief of security and a Vulcan. Vulcan's aren't supposed to show any emotion, but he always seems to show emotion when Neelix is with him. Perhaps because he likes him so much. I know I certainly find it hard to contain my emotions when I'm glad to see someone.
Hobbies include: playing Kalto (which looks strangely like ker-plunk to me), meditating, and looking cool in his blue nightwear. Oh, and saying something is 'logical' or 'illogical' because his vocabulary is so limited.
Commander Chakotay - First Officer, with a wicked tattoo on the left side of his forehead. Spends a lot of time talking to dead relatives. A little weird.
According to Mom, definitely used to want snugglehuggies with the Captain all the time. Now he only wants snugglehuggies with her occasionally.
Talks to animals.
A little like Dr Doolittle, then.
Seems to pick up blondes with the frequency of a magnet passing over a pile of needles. Much to the Captains disapprovement. Maybe it's all a plan to upset her.
Captain Janeway - The leader of Voyager, and the woman whose assistant I am. I don't have a lot of responsibility at the moment, but I'm learning more every day.
I observe her a lot. Copy the 'placing her hands on her hips' movement. Try to copy her voice, but it's not easy. I've been getting Lieutenant Hickman to coach me through the impression, but it just doesn't seem to be working. The Lieutenant suggested I start smoking sixty cigarettes a day. I hope he was joking.
I think that - occasionally - she might want snugglehuggies with someone. Possibly Commander Chakotay. He's the only one who uses Her First Name.
Loves coffee. Never get between the Captain and her caffeine.
When I grow up...I want her job.
I hope she knows it's nothing personal. And that my presence just outside her quarters when they suddenly lost their oxygen supply had nothing to do with me.
Umm...well that's it. I know it's short, but what do you expect?
There's an awful lot of snugglehuggies in there...I hadn't realised.
Oh, and in case you hadn't guessed, snugglehuggies means 'to have sex'. I put that in the original version but Mom made me change it. Now I have to get this PADD to the Doctor without her seeing...
Wish me luck.
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