Death And Happiness

by Suz

Disclaimer - characters belong to Paramount despite the lack of names.

Oh My God! I've had time to write something!


You died today.

It was hardly a surprise - I've known for quite a while exactly when you were going to die. Not in terms of days or minutes, but more in terms of existance. I didn't and still don't know the specifics of how or the cause but such matters are unimportant. All I knew is that at that moment you would die. And when that moment occured, I smiled.

Although it wasn't actually a smile. That's impossible here, in this place. It was perhaps the memory of a smile, something so insignificant and yet substantial at the same time.


This place is full of them.

I imagine how they will mourn you; how some will weep, some will honour your memory over a meditation candle, some will throw themselves into their work to try and ease the pain...and others...others will wonder exactly who the woman was that they lost.

No matter.

None of it matters anymore.

None of it ever did.

I thought that amusing at first. That everything we went through to prove ourselves to ourselves, to our friends, family, colleagues. Everything we went through to try and prove ourselves to whatever Gods we did or didn't believe in. It was all meaningless. We all end up in the same place. I wonder how you'll react to that. Will you accept it? Will you be determined to find a way out, a way out of death? Probably. You've never taken the easy road.

Eventually you will accept it, as I did, as all of us did. And then you'll realise that none of it mattered. The glances, the touches, the words, the running, the hiding, the constant game of cat and mouse. You'll realise that it was never worth it. But there are no regrets. Not here. It's not possible, not when you discover we'll be together, if not quite in the way that either of us could ever have imagined.

I remember my death quite vividly; I'm 'told' by the others that I always will. I remember the last image I saw when I knew I was going to die. Your eyes and mouth parted wide in shock, the tint of your hair under the lights on the bridge, the expression of horror on your face as you tried to divert the alien's line-of-fire. I never did discover the name of the man who killed me. That was the last time I saw you. That was the last time I'll ever see you like that.

And then I was here. I tried to call your name but that's not how it works. There's nothing to call your name with. But you know who was waiting for me? Seska. I suppose it's appropriate. She 'told' me that she'd known when I was going to die and wanted to be there to greet me. Of course I was instantly suspicious of her motives, but it turned out I had nothing to worry about. Not here.

You're almost here now, I can feel it. The transition takes a while and there are a group of us who have gathered to greet you. There are new ones arriving all the time; the Universe is a huge place. There's always someone waiting for someone. At times I feel like I'm at a shuttle depot.

Within seconds you arrive and seconds after that I know that you're demanding to know just what the hell is going on. Of course, no words are actually spoken. But the emotion is there, as insignificant and substantial as it has ever been. You see the forms that you somehow know are your family, your friends. You try to speak their names but you haven't learnt how yet. It will come with time. We always have time.

It's then that you notice me. You try to say my name and frustrated at being unable to you try to scream. Which of course, you can't.

The rocky path, indeed.

I comfort you, knowing that you want an explanation but will refuse to accept it for now. But that's alright. As I said, we always have time.

You died today, and I smiled.


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Suz's Voyager Fanfic