Mind Melds Used To Be So Simple

by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net

Disclaimer - I guess Paramount own them.

Not to be taken seriously. Don't ask me why I wrote this. I don't know.


Hi there! How can I help you?

Oh, I'm sorry - how very rude of me! I'm Kathryn's sub-conscious. And you would be…?

Oh. Hello Tuvok. You've been here before, haven't you? Yet, I thought so. I almost didn't recognise you.

Just kidding.

No, I don't think I go on rather excessively, and if you keep insulting me like that you ain't getting nowhere Mister.


What was that?

I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear - could you repeat that for me?

Ah. I see. Well in that I case I accept your apology. Now, how can I help?

And why do you need to do that?

Oh dear! Goodness! Is it serious? Well yes, of course it's serious if you need to risk a mind meld while she's in a coma to find out what happened…well I personally couldn't tell you, but if you hang on for a moment…

Figuratively of course. Ha.

How's T'Pel? No, I'm not being nosey - oh sorry, 'inquisitive' - I'm just passing time while I find out what you want to know, and if you really want to know what you want to know-a Grandchild?! Oh congratulations!!!

Oh…I…I'm so sorry. I didn't think I'd get that excited.


You want the tour while we wait? We've had a few changes since the last time you were here. You sure? I'm sure that-

Great! Some new additions to FAI, if you-oh, sorry. 'Forget About It'. Acronyms are such a life saver. Or is acrostics? Kathryn would know, that's for sure.

No FAI? Sure?

How about 'Changes Handed Along Killing Off Tomatoes And Yeast'?


Yes, that was another joke. I don't care if fail to find it amusing.

Well, lookee here…seems your answer has arrived and…

Accidental. The silly cow did it herself. You really want to know how?

She'll never live it down.

You're just burning up with curiousity now, aren't you? No, don't deny it - I can tell! Look at you! You're dying to know. Now, maybe if you're nice…

Oh all right! Just stop moaning! Geez…I know how she puts up with you, but I honestly don't know why she does.

All right. You ready? You sure?


She was lonely. She replicated something called The Lovemaster 2000. She used it incorrectly.

That's all I'm saying.

Yes, I understand that you have to leave quickly.

Just once more thing? When you get out, tell Chakotay that he's a hottie, okay? God knows Kathryn isn't gonna do it…



No wonder you two get on so well.


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