Everybody's Got Something To Hide (Except For Me And My Monkey)

by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net

Disclaimer - Paramount owns characters, Lennon/McCartney own original song lyrics.

This is another response to the 'write a story based on a Beatles song' challenge issued by 1001. This is also SrMaryKath's fault for pointing out such a darn obvious title.

This is *definitely* a parody. Set during their time on New Earth, and is extremely silly. And I know I shouldn't, but I even take a little stab towards a certain religious belief. I don't mean to offend anyone.


Something was bugging the heck out of Chakotay. They'd been here for nearly a month now and life was pretty good as it was. Their 'garden' looked promising. He and the Captain...Kathryn were getting along without many arguments.

But still...something was bugging him.

Just what it was that was bugging him became obvious when he got an extremely good view of the ground after slipping on the damp turf. Landing with a quiet yell he lay still for a few moments until the obvious finally made its way to his brain. "Hey, Kathryn."

"Yeah?" she asked, planting seeds some twenty feet away.

"We're alone here, aren't we?" he queried, still laying on the ground and staring up at the sky that reminded him so much of Dorvan V.

Pausing her work for a moment, she looked over to him. "Sorry?" It seemed a bit of a stupid question to her.

"There's you and me as well as the primitive life forms that our initial scans told us were here. We've yet to actually see one, but near-misses with some kind of animal doo-doo confirm that our scans were correct in that aspect."

"Where are you going with this, Chakotay?"

Sighing, he pushed himself up from the floor and wiped off the mud stains that he could reach. "What I'm saying is that we're the only *sentient* beings on this planet, correct?"

Still she stared at him. "Yes."

Standing to his full height he placed his hands on his hips and looked at the scenery that surrounded them. "Well then...who cut the grass?"

Hey, he *did* have a good point! Kathryn was quite surprised.

Chakotay continued. "I only noticed because we've been here over three weeks and while the grass is obviously growing, who will cut it? When we first arrived it looked as though it had been recently cut so presumably there's someone who will continue with the work. Not to mention how well groomed the trees are looking. If this is a 'wild' planet with no natural or inhabiting sentient life forms other than ourselves, who's doing all the work?"

By now he had turned to face her as if she could give him the answer he was seeking. Kathryn had no idea, and was about to tell him that when he held up his hand to forestall any answer. "Can you hear that?" His head was angled to one side slightly.

Kathryn listened carefully but couldn't determine anything other than the usual sounds of nature. "Hear what?"

The ground began to rumble as if something deadly were approaching, and Kathryn couldn't help but notice *that*. And then it appeared.

Or rather *they* appeared.

A large collection of animals were headed in their direction at an extremely high speed. Being the closest one to the shelter Kathryn leapt there for cover. Chakotay was out in the middle of no man's land. He didn't have time to reach the shelter before the animals would hit, so he did the only thing he could. He turned and legged it.

Within a few seconds the animals reached the shelter which they left completely untouched. What amazed Kathryn was how fast they were. The shorter ones - which bore a resemblance to the sheep on Earth - were gobbling up the grass as they rushed by, moving, chewing and eating at an incredible speed. These were no ordinary sheep. Nor were the giraffes who pulled the leaves off the trees and gulped them down just as quickly. The incident happened so quickly and was so well organised that Kathryn couldn't entirely convince herself if it had happened or not. It didn't help matters that she was pretty damn sure she'd seen a primate of some kind sitting on one of the giraffes, apparently orchestrating the whole thing.

But the proof was right in front of her. The trees they'd passed looked a lot neater, and the grass was definitely shorter.


Chakotay could just be seen in the distance, still running away from the incoming animals. She may or may not have imagined it, but it sounded as if something were screeching with laughter.


The next day (after an exhausted Chakotay had an extremely long night's sleep), they set about their daily life as usual. Not wanting him to think her a bit strange at possibly imagining an intelligent monkey, with a few carefully structured questions Kathryn discovered that he had only seen two types of animals - sheep and giraffes.

That evening she treated herself to a hot bath, her absolute favourite luxury. Only caffeine came close to it for indulgence. Pouring all the water in was no easy task but she knew it would be worth it. Chakotay helped her fill most of it, but left before she undressed to preserve her modesty. Frankly, Kathryn was a little disappointed. While she still wanted to find a cure and get off the planet, if she was realistic she knew that the odds of them finding a cure where pretty low. It was likely that they would have to spend the rest of their lives on this planet. And he hadn't made a single move yet.

They weren't quite Adam and Eve (although she hoped he had the equipment the snake had to 'persuade' Eve to bite the forbidden fruit. A snake in the garden. She wondered what that was a metaphor for. Uh huh.) but they were the only humans on a beautiful planet. Alone. Male. Female. And while she couldn't possibly respond to him in kind if he were to make an advance (not without making him suffer a little longer), it was expected that he *should* make one. It was bad form not to. Made a woman feel downright undesirable.

The truth was that Chakotay was an idiot. And like all men, he had to have it shoved right into his face.

Fortunately, a certain animal was just nearby.

Kathryn had been in the water for nearly a minute when it appeared. Gasping quietly, she nonetheless slowly leant forward. Somehow - although she had no idea how - she knew that it could understand her. That it seemed to sense what she wanted before she had even spoken. He *was* intelligent. If he had been a little bigger she might have been willing to trade him in for Chakotay, but there were just some things Chakotay could do for her that the monkey couldn't.

Sloshing about in the bath, she made small talk with Chakotay by shouting, and to keep him completely off track she talked only about her work. It was then that the monkey began making loud crashing noises in the trees. He was good at this. "Chakotay!" she yelled dramatically.


"There's something in the woods!" Nearly giggling, she tumbled out of the tub and quickly wrapped a towel around her body. The air was a little cold but there was always a price to pay for a plan to work.

Within seconds Chakotay appeared next to her, shining a torch into the trees. Almost instantly he found the monkey. She feigned shock at seeing the monkey for the 'first time', and just as easily feigned an attempt at communicating with it. It left soon after and she was immensely pleased with his work.

"Looking for a pet?" Chakotay asked, teasing.

Always the scientist Kathryn, remember that. "No. Looking for a clue about primate physiology. They must have to contend with insect bites too..."

Chakotay was quiet. She turned her head to look at him and...he was checking her out! He was looking at her breasts, he was studying her bare skin. He was! Remembering to act, she pretended to be self-conscious. Obviously embarrassed at being caught, he quickly left.

As Chakotay scurried back to the shelter, Kathryn turned back towards the woods and send a silent thank you to her primate friend before trying to find where the hell she dropped her robe. A rustling sound alerted her to the fact that the monkey had reappeared and was holding the robe. She studied him. "So, are you going to give me my robe?"

It didn't look that way. In fact it looked as if he was reaching for the towel. "Don't you dare!" she hissed. "He's not ready for complete nudity just yet."

The monkey pouted but held out the robe.

"Maybe another time," Kathryn whispered, dropping the towel to reveal her naked body before taking the robe from him. "Consider that a thank you."

But he was already unconscious on the floor.


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