No Sex Please, We're On Voyager

by Suz suzvoy@yahoo.com

For the purposes of this story you'll have to believe that the crew of Voyager have finally come to their senses and started pairing off and...gasp...having sex!! I know, I know. That *really* stretches the imagination.

This story is based around the play 'Lysistrata'. It's not really necessary to have read it or be familiar with it as I pretty much explain it in the story. If, however, you want to know more you can read my spoof of it at: http://members.tripod.com/~SuzVoy/jcfics/lysis.html

*

'And not so much as the shadow of a lover! Since the day the Milesians betrayed us, I have never once seen an eight-inch gadget even...'
Lysistrata, 'Lysistrata' by Aristophanes

*

"I promised Neelix I wouldn't."

His lips paused part way through kissing her neck before his shoulder drooped. With a heavy sigh he rolled away and muttered "Well that's killed it."

"Killed what?" Kathryn asked, turning on her side to look at him.

Chakotay twisted his neck towards her. "Any reference to Neelix in any sexual situation kills the mood completely."

Kathryn chuckled as she propped her elbow onto the bed and rested her head on the palm of her left hand. "That's probably a good thing."

Moving his head to look at the ceiling, Chakotay sighed once more. "May I ask why you promised Neelix that you-wait a minute." He looked at her again, eyes beginning to widen in suspected horror. "Tell me this has nothing to do with that play we're doing."

Running the index finger of her right hand over his chest she murmured "Oh *that's* right. You were on an away mission. You didn't hear the latest developments."

"Kathryn..." he pleaded, hoping for once that his imagination was getting the better of him.

"Chakotay..." she responded in the same tone "I can hardly be the only one having sex."

"*You* wouldn't be. *We* would."

Rolling her eyes, she absently ran her finger over his nipple. "Fine. *We* can't be the only ones having sex. It would be terrible for morale."

"Yeah? Well no one having sex is going to be even worse," he pointed out before grabbing her hand "and will you please stop playing with my chest?"

"Oh. Sorry. Force of habit."

*

Two weeks earlier

*

It had been quite a while since Kathryn Janeway had sat in the mess hall with her crew, although even now it was still mostly apart from them rather than actually with them. Most afternoons she remained in her ready room with some report or talking to Chakotay about ships business. There had even been that one indiscretion when she and Chakotay had 'accidentally' been locked in her personal bathroom in the ready room. As much fun and as interesting an experience as it had been, they'd both agreed that after that they wouldn't have sex while they were on duty. Or, as they nicknamed it, 'no rough and ready in the ready room'.

Some days though, like today, she felt the need to mingle. Truth be told, not many people were mingling with her but at least she was making an effort. Occasionally someone would pass by who was not afraid of her mythical 'Captain' status.

Case in point.

"Hello Captain!" exclaimed a very loud and very familiar voice. Kathryn moved her eyes from her cup of coffee to see Neelix literally bounding towards her. Eventually he stopped next to her, and Kathryn couldn't help but watch with sickened fascination as several parts of his body continued to move long after he had come to a halt. Had Neelix put on weight?

Dragging her gaze from his jiggling body parts, Kathryn plastered a smile on her face. "Hello Neelix. How's business today?"

"Oh fine, fine. Busy as ever." He was practically jumping up and down on the spot. Even for Neelix this was unusually enthusiastic behaviour.

Wrapping both hands around the cup, Kathryn leant forward. "Is there something you want to talk about Neelix?"

"Well if you *insist* Captain..." he lied and quickly sat down in the chair across the table from her. "Tell me Captain, have you ever heard of a woman called 'Lysistrata'?"

Of all the statements or questions she could have predicted, that wasn't one of them. "No. No I can't say that I have Neelix."

If possible, his excitement became even more noticable. Kathryn briefly worried for a moment that the Borg nanoprobes that kept him alive would overload and suddenly he would return to his necratised state. Dismissing the random thought, she concentrated on what he was saying.

"Lysistrata was actually a play written a long time ago on Earth. Named after the lead character, it was about a woman who managed to stop a long, bloody war between two factions. In fact, Lysistrata actually means 'she who disbands armies'."

Genuinely interested, Kathryn smiled. "Sounds like a woman I'd like to meet."

"I thought you'd think that," he stated proudly.

"But why are you telling me this?"

He grinned and clasped his fingers together on the table. "Well, I was thinking of basing a talent night on the play."

"You mean our first real Voyager production? It's a wonderful idea!" she enthused, pleased. "It's going to take a lot of work," she warned.

"Oh I know that Captain," he reassured her "but when I heard about the play I knew instantly it was perfect for a talent night."

Kathryn sipped at her coffee. "So, do you have anyone onboard for the project yet?"

Neelix suddenly found the viewport behind her fascinating. "Actually, I already have someone in mind for the lead role. You see, Lysistrata is a very brave woman. A natural leader, she's strong, determined, stubborn yet compassionate..." he looked directly at the Captain "...and rumour has it she also has a fondness for coffee."

"Neelix..."

"What are the odds Captain? It's uncanny how much the two of you have in common."

"Neelix, I don't have the time."

"We both know very well that you could make the time."

"I couldn't perform in front of the crew."

"Rubbish. You do an excellent Dying Swan."

"But that's different! That's dancing. This is acting."

"There are those who say dancing is more difficult to do in front of a crowd."

"Well I'm not one of them."

Smiling in an almost evil manner, Neelix dropped his metaphorical bomb. "Commander Chakotay's taking part."

Instantly sitting straight, Kathryn then tried to hide the fact by over-compensating and slouching in her chair. "Really? Why should that bother me?" Despite her words, the truth of it was that Kathryn knew she was going to end up in the role of Lysistrata. Damn Talaxian. Damn Chakotay.

*

"I have to say it's an original way of stopping a war." she murmured to Chakotay as she looked in the mirror of the bathroom and clipped her pips in place on her collar.

"What is?" he asked from the bedroom as he pulled his boots on.

She smirked into the mirror and picked up her hairbrush from the side. "Don't tell me you haven't read the play yet..."

He appeared behind her and studied their reflection in the mirror. "No, not yet. I was planning to start going over it during lunch."

"Well..." she started pulling the combs of the hairbrush through her hair.

"Well what?" he asked, placing his hands on her sides indicating that if she didn't tell him immediately he'd start tickling her. She hated being tickled, yet at the same time she enjoyed it. A typical condradictory thought then.

Kathryn stared at his reflection in the mirror and continued brushing her hair. "Chakotay, you are *not* going to give your Captain a giggling fit five minutes before she's due to go on duty." They both knew that once she got started she wouldn't be able to stop laughing for a long time.

Chakotay's reply was to dig his fingers into her side. Squaking loudly, Kathryn turned and the hairbrush clattered to the ground. Fending off his hands she soon found herself pushed up against the small counter where the wash basin was.

"Wait!" she exclaimed. "I'll tell you."

Trying not to laugh, she held onto his forearms to ensure that he stopped. When he did she proceeded. "It seems that Lysistrata gathered all the women together. They were so sick of the death, destruction, loss of loved ones...that they came to a decision. They would withold sex from the men until they stopped fighting."

Chuckling, Chakotay squeezed her sides. "Sounds like a good plan to me. Those women were the only ones with common sense. As far as I'm concerned, every war should be ended that way."

"So the next time the Borg come into sensor range we'll just send a message to them saying 'Sorry boys, but unless you stop assimilating people we'll never have sex with you again'."

"Sounds good to me," he replied smartly, leaning forward to kiss her.

Meeting his lips, she then regretfully pulled back and looked him in the eye. "We have four minutes Chakotay. Think we have time?"

"Depressingly so, I think we do," he admitted.

Not in the least bit upset, Kathryn pulled his head down for another kiss.

They eventually arrived on the bridge twenty minutes late, and those who noticed the soap stains on the Commander's uniform said nothing at all.

*

Kathryn Janeway had seen many things in her career that could be described as 'scary'. The Borg, Species 8472, losing her ship or her crew to alien intruders. But nothing had ever prepared her for the terrifying image of Neelix in a beret.

She spent the whole rehearsal trying not to look at his head, but then she didn't particularly want to look at other parts of his body anyway.

Kathryn felt their first rehearsal went quite well. Not that she knew anything about acting, but she thought Neelix was a surprisingly good director. Not that she'd had that much experience with directors either, but he managed to keep everyone in a good mood even when their enthusiasm began flagging.

By the end of their third rehearsal, Kathryn felt she was beginning to know her lines by memory and actually began to enjoy herself. In fact, she felt comfortable enough around Neelix to ask him for some honest criticism. He may have been the director, but she also knew he'd always had a bit of a soft spot for her.

"I've been thinking about that Captain," he told her as they sat on the edge of the holographic stage, scripts in hand, watching people walk to and fro on the stage. "And while you and everyone else are doing a *great* job, I think somehow that it could be *more*."

"How so?"

"I don't know to be honest with you," he admitted, adjusting his beret once again "I'll try and do some brainstorming tonight over a cup of Leola Root tea. It always helps me think."

"Well yes," agreed Kathryn "it certainly wouldn't put you to sleep."

They were interrupted by Chell who literally ran towards them. "Okay, we're set up!"

Neelix stood from the side of the stage and clapped his hand on the Bolian's shoulder. "Let's get started then, shall we?"

*

Three days later Chakotay led an away team to a uninhabited Class-M planet that was rich in food. It was as Kathryn was reading over the list of supplies he planned to bring on board that someone beeped for entry into her ready room. Pulling her lips away from their near-constant contact with her coffee cup, she called for her visitor to enter.

Neelix walked in, smile plastered on his face, coffee pot clasped between his hands. "Good afternoon Captain. I have some coffee made from *real* coffee beans. I thought you might like a cup."

Her instinctive reaction was to capitulate, but there was something about the way he was talking. He always liked to spoil her, she knew that, and yet...he was smiling just a bit too much.

Still holding her mug and the padd she regarded him. "What do you want?"

Placing the pot on her desk, he decided to go on with no further false pretences. "I have an idea for how we can improve the play."

She smiled. "That's all? I don't see why you're so 'gloom-and-doom' about it."

He sat down slowly opposite her. "You haven't heard my idea yet."

A sickening feeling of dread began to spread through her stomach. Carefully placing the mug and padd on the table - although having the feeling she'd need a swifty gulp of caffeine in a moment - she asked what he had in mind.

*

It wasn't given as an order, but it might as well have been. The evening of the day Neelix announced his plan, nearly everyone on board had heard about it. A surprising number of people agreed almost immediately, but it wasn't until the day after that Neelix received everyone's promise that they would abide by his chastity rule. Of course, Kathryn couldn't have sex if her entire crew were forgoing it. She'd managed without sex for over five years. She could do it again. Although in those five years she didn't have a lover waiting for every opportunity to be alone with her...

*

"Remind me to kill Neelix the next time he makes a suggestion."

"You hold him down B'Elanna, and I'll use the hypospray."

She grinned at Tom, thankful for the imagery.

"Well I don't know what you two are moaning about." Susan Nicoletti informed them as she smiled, pleased with herself and stabbed her fork into the latest mess hall concoction.

B'Elanna glared at the woman sitting opposite her. "Don't sound so smug Sue. Everyone has to go without sex. *Including* you."

"But the play is about women refusing to have sex with *men*. It said nothing about-"

"I don't care. If the rest of us have to suffer then so do you. I don't care if your lover's a man or a woman."

Sue was about to protest when a newcomer approached their table.

"Good evening Lieutenants."

"Seven."

"May I join you?" she asked, indicating the one free chair.

"Sure, go ahead." Sue agreed happily, tapping the seat next to her.

Nodding, Seven sat down. "I am curious about recent events."

B'Elanna swallowed a fork-full of her dinner. "How so?"

"I understand that the Captain and Neelix have 'asked' everyone on board to refrain from copulating. I thought this an odd request, but I found it even odder that everyone seems to have agreed. Why have they agreed to participate?"

Tom grinned. "To make the play better. Do you know the plot of 'Lysistrata'?"

"I have assimilated the text."

"Then you know that it's about the women refusing to have sex with the men. Neelix thought the play would turn out a little better if there was more desperation to it. More realism."

"But why did you agree?"

B'Elanna shrugged. "Well...everyone else did. It seemed a bit silly not to. Besides, it's not that long until opening night now."

Sue snorted. "Speak for yourself."

"Okay," B'Elanna amended "it's pretty long if you're having amazing sex."

Tom looked offended. "Are you saying we aren't having amazing sex?"

"That's not what I meant..."

"Well it sounded that way..."

The ex-Borg interrupted. "How does...'amazing sex' change the speed with which time passes?"

The half-Klingon pursed her lips as she fiddled with her fork. "Well...if you've never had amazing sex I'm not sure I can fully explain it..." Frowning, an idea formed "Okay Seven, what's an activity you really enjoy?"

The other woman considered her words for a few moments. "Regenerating."

Tom rose his eyebrows. "You enjoy regeneration?"

"Yes."

"Fair enough," B'Elanna responded "now, if you knew you were going to regenerate in the future but it wouldn't be for a couple of weeks, would time seem to pass slower than usual?"

Seven nodded. "I believe I understand what you are attempting to describe Lieutenant. I have experienced a similar sensation before. Thank you."

"Welcome."

"However..."

"Yes?" B'Elanna sighed.

Seven continued. "Perhaps to fully understand I should participate in 'amazing sex'. I have offered to copulate with Ensign Kim before although he seemed reluctant at the time. Do you believe he would want to now?"

Tom spluttered "Uh...no...Seven..." as B'Elanna and Sue stared in shock.

"Very well." Seven turned to look directly at B'Elanna. "Is there anyone on board you would recommend for 'amazing sex'?"

Sue butted in. "Well, Commander Chakotay's rather good if the Captain's-"

"I believe you should end your conversation at this juncture," a familiar and deadly voice interrupted.

Tom didn't need to look up to know who it was. "Damn. Busted."

The familiar voice proceeded. "I do not believe either Captain Janeway nor Commander Chakotay would appreciate discovering that you talk freely about their intimate relations."

"'Intimate relations'?" Tom asked "You make it sound like a very friendly family reunion."

Sue chuckled.

Tuvok didn't let that faze him. "Comparisons to familial gatherings nonwithstanding, this is not an acceptable conversation topic."

It was Seven who stood up to him. "I fail to see your logic, Commander. The Captain and Commander are a couple the same as any other. Our conversation is not particularly offensive and it is not a topic we would bring up with either the Captain or Commander Chakotay. Furthermore, this kind of conversation is exactly the kind that Captain Janeway has been encouraging. Perhaps she did not intend for it to be about her sex life, but we are interacting and 'gossiping' as I believe humans call it; something Captain Janeway has informed me on many occasions that is beneficial to the well-being of a community."

Her three companions gaped at her until Tom finally remembered to scrape his jaw up from the table. "She's got a point."

"Definitely."

"Uh hu."

"Actually Tuvok," Tom said "you're the only one on board who has a problem with their relationship. Could it be that you disapprove?"

"No!" B'Elanna yelled "I bet you he's jealous!"

Sue giggled. "Yeah, but who of?"

Seven looked up at Tuvok. "*This* is the kind of conversation we should not be participating in."

*

The Doctor was extremely pleased. Since the Captain had begun the chastity rule, attendance to his holo-picture evenings had more than tripled. And tonight, as a reward, he was going to really treat them.

Standing at his customary position at one end of the holodeck, he observed the large crowd of people at the opposite end. "Computer, lower illumination."

The holodeck became appropriately dark. Smiling, the Doctor spoke dramatically. "And now...to thank you all for participating in these evenings I present...The Delightful Denizens Of The Delta Quadrant."

Pressing the button on his small remote control device, he stepped away from the wall where the pictures would be cast.

The first picture appeared.

It was a naked female.

Someone whistled.

Most of them leaned forward and tipped their heads to one side. "What...?"

The Doctor spoke. "A member of the Benaran race, this female - and all the other models in this selection - willingly had her photo taken."

A male voice asked "But what's...*that*?"

The EMH knew what he was referring to. "That is her reproductive organ."

Someone else giggled. "And just think; Tom nearly had sex with her."

Everyone laughed.

Pressing the button again, another picture appeared. This one was of a naked man.

The women cheered.

Again, the Doctor spoke. "Ah, yes. Obviously a male 'member'" he chortled briefly "of the Sikarian race."

Another picture appeared, causing the women to groan in disappointment and the men to shout in happiness.

"Now, I'm not entirely sure who this woman is, but obviously she posed for the photo. It's strange that I have no recollection of her though. And that other that this picture, there's no mention of her anywhere else in the computer..."

A male voice quickly insisted "Next one please."

*

The night of the play rapidly approached and the crew, particularly those who were participating in the play, were growing increasingly tense.

And Kathryn Janeway had developed a serious case of nerves.

Ten minutes before the play was due to begin she was pacing backstage between other 'actors', trying to remember all of her lines. "Okay, okay...'my heart is on fire; I blush for our sex. Men will have it we are tricky and sly...'"

"They'd be right too." Chakotay said, grabbing her from behind.

Yelling in surprise she jerked away from him. "Don't do that! You scared the hell out of me."

He apologised, holding his hands up in submission. "Sorry. Are you alright?"

"I'll be fine," she waved him off "I just have to make sure that I'm going to remember all these lines..."

Frowning, he held her onto her shoulders. "You're looking awfully stressed. You know what would help you relax?"

That managed to distract her for a moment. "Well I know what would *normally* relax me, but we can't do *that* until after the play." She smiled.

Moving his hands down her arms to link with hers, he drew her closer. "Tell you what. You go out there and give an absolutely fantastic performance, and when we're finished I'll give you an absolutely fantastic...massage."

Smirking, she pursed her lips. "Hmm. Well I suppose that's a pretty good incentive."

He faked disappointment. "You don't look sufficiently convinced."

"Chakotay, I don't think-"

And then she couldn't think as their lips met.

Five minutes and some serious necking later, they were interrupted by a rather embarrassed Talaxian who'd been coughing for the last minute in an attempt to get their attention. "Sorry to spoil your fun, but the Captain needs to get into position."

It was very very hard for Chakotay not to say anything in response.

Winking at her first officer, she nearly floated away. "See you on stage Commander. And it's good to see that you're physically 'up' for the role."

Neelix patted him on the shoulder sympathetically. "Don't worry about it Commander. It'll just make the play more realistic."

*

It ended to brief applause, despite how much everyone enjoyed it.

The holodeck emptied in less than thirty seconds, a mad rush towards quarters as hands already began grasping for fasteners. The only people who remained were those who didn't have partners.

Jenny Delaney, who was surprisingly without a partner for once, stood and walked over to her compatriots. "Well," she announced "anyone up for a threesome?"

Tuvok and Seven merely raised their eyebrows.

~FINIS

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