You Understand
by Suz

Disclaimer - Paramount. Yeah, right...

Hmm...kinda J/Kashyk....kinda J/C...


I let Chakotay fuck me today.

I was curious, you understand. Curious to discover if I was capable of simply having sex with anyone besides you.

Sex had usually been something that was part of a long term relationship. There had been a few fumbled encounters at the Academy, but more often than not it was something I did when I genuinely cared about my partner.

With you, of course, there was none of that. I didn't even like you. But you were most definitely a good fuck.

I was concerned at first that he might try and be gentle, even though we had discussed it. Or, more truthfully, I had informed him. He knew full well what he was getting into, or at least tried to tell himself he was. Gentleness wasn't what I wanted or needed.

I needn't have worried.

I have bruises in places so strange that I don't know how I'll explain them to the Doctor.

Maybe it's because we've known each other for so long. Maybe it's because we know each other so well. He wasn't surprised when I told him I'd been with you.

The thing that struck me as odd was that the sex was surprisingly similar. With lovers before it had been wildly different. The basics were still the same obviously, but there were definite differences.

Perhaps it's because you two are so similar - murderer and criminal. Not an auspicious start to a sex life in the Delta Quadrant, even if it is just by that description. It seems fitting, though. I have murdered. I have even been a criminal. But always out of honourable intentions. I have never persecuted an innocent individual or race.

Later, as we share lunch in the mess hall, I see something in his eyes. I get the distinct impression that he's considering reneging on our deal. A pity. I had planned on continuing if it was good, but at least I know.

As he makes some muted comment about Neelix threatening a leola root holiday, I glance over towards a table on the other side of the room. Tom and B'Elanna are sitting together, watching us.

They know. Neither of us have told anyone, but they know.

B'Elanna looks disgusted about something, but Tom's frown is hanging over his eyes in such a way that it makes his concern almost palpable. Concern for whom? Certainly not me. Must be for Chakotay then. Their First Officer is the one they should be worrying about. He's the one who doesn't have his head screwed on right. For Christ's sake, this is the man who made a move on an 8472! If he doesn't know quite what he's feeling then it isn't my fault.

So why the hell does Tom have his gaze fixed on me?

After the day ends I retreat to my quarters. As I undress I think of you, remembering the frantic sex in the cockpit of your shuttle (not much room but aptly named) and I sigh a little as I slip my night clothes on.

Slipping into bed I lie peacefully for the first time in months. I can hear him moving next door, which is a little odd. He usually has no trouble getting to sleep.

Then, silence. He must have laid whatever demons he had to rest.

The door beeps.

My eyes closed, I smile.


Sometime later, I groan as I pull myself up from the floor. Grabbing my clothing from behind a chair I slip it back on and fall into bed as he pulls on his clothes and leaves my quarters.

Snuggling up to a cushion I relax completely, and sleep better than I have in the months since you left.


Part Two

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Vengeance Of Heaven