Would I/Would He?

by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net

Disclaimer - alright, no names but they're Paramounts anyway.

Inspiration has not been kind of late.


Sometimes I wonder.

What would I do if he placed the padd he was holding down on the table and walked over to me?

What would I do if he leant down and kissed me?

Would I pull away, shouting?

Would I pull away, calmly stating that he had just violated about a dozen protocols before returning to my work, apparently unaffected?

Would I slap him?

Would I order him out of the room?

Would I enjoy it?

Would I pull him closer?

Would I kiss him deeper, harder, softer?

Would I come to my senses at some moment and realise what we were doing, who we were?

Would I not care anyway?

Would I decide that once - just this once - I would let myself indulge in something pleasurable?

My eyes watch him over the top of my own padd; he doesn't even know I'm looking. He thinks I'm reading over the latest warp core modifications. I could spend hours - and actually have, I suppose - just looking at him. Something about the slight furrow on his brow when he concentrates. The way he tugs on his left ear when he's not sure of something or embarrassed. That damn grin. Yeah, *that* one. The way his ears are of slightly different proportions.

God, this is silly.

He's my best friend; probably the best male friend I've ever had besides Mark.

What would he do if I placed my padd down on the table and walked over to him?

What would he do if I leant down and kissed him?

Would he kiss me back?

Would he hold me?

Would he whisper my name over and over again?

Would he jerk away and alert sickbay of a medical emergency?

Would he have a heart attack?

Would he ask me just what the hell I was doing?

The ends of my lips turn up as I smile, slightly. It would almost be worth doing just so the scientist in me can study his reaction and rationalise it.

I'm not sure why I go down these particular avenues in my thoughts; they just happen. I don't *plan* to have fantasies - I've always considered myself a pragmatic person - but my mind seems to have other ideas.

Elaborate, beautiful, worrying, inspirational.

Even though I know they will never happen. Even though I know that any chance of them happening ended a long time ago. Even though the closeness we once shared isn't as strong as it used to be.

He glances up and sees me looking at me. I smile wildly, playing it off. He frowns briefly before looking back at his padd and I know that he's telling himself that of *course* I haven't been staring at him for the past five minutes.

He tugs at his ear.

I smile.


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