Lieutenant Simon Hogan

I'm so sorry to hear about Terry Jenny. It hurt at first when I realised you hadn't told me about him before, but then I realised that I was being selfish. I can understand why you hadn't said anything until now. I've done the same.

I was in love with Simon Hogan, Jen. We didn't tell anyone. We weren't sure why. It was just something that we wanted to keep to ourselves at first. We had to come up with so many different excuses to explain to Chakotay why we wanted to change our shifts. It was so we could spend more time together.

We'd spend hours in his quarters or mine, just talking. The conversations were broad, topics varying from the nature of our existance to the possibility of ejecting all the leola root out of the cargo bay.

We talked, hugged, touched. But the amazing thing is that we never made love, something that I deeply regret now. There are so many things I regret when it comes to him.

It was after the incident with the duplicate Voyager that I realised how I felt about him. He was injured while trying to help B'Elanna and Harry to close the hull breech. I was on the bridge when I heard that he'd be injured. I started reassuring myself that he'd be okay. That he was only hurt. Then the breech widened and Harry was killed. I was stunned by his death, but all the while I kept thinking about Simon, praying that he hadn't been killed.

When we had to evacuate the bridge I was a little too eager to get out of there. We'd moved down to Engineering to set up a new command centre, but I managed to get out of there and nearly ran to sickbay. Alright. I did run to sickbay.

I arrived to find the room packed with people, and *you* were there. I felt a shiver pass through me as I thought about you being hurt, but you were okay. You smiled at me in that sardonic grin you have. In fact it was your 'man eater' grin because you were trying to flirt with the Doctor to raise everyone's morale.

Turning away from you I found Simon leaning against a wall with burns on his face. I quickly looked behind me. No one was watching us. I moved up to him and when he saw me approaching he smiled. "Hi Mega..." He must have seen my expression because he paused mid-way through his greeting. "What's wrong?"

"I heard you'd been injured. I had to come and make sure...that you were alright."

He could tell something was wrong. He said my name again and I lost it. I started crying. To say he was surprised was something of an understatement. Everyone knew of my 'reputation' and most of the time I played along with it. He knew me better than that of course, but he was still shocked.

He tried to comfort me, but I wouldn't let him. I was terrified that I'd aggrevate his burns. "Why haven't you been healed yet?" I wailed, sounding ridiculous.

Simon half-grinned. "Triage, Meg. I'm not the most severly injured."

I mumbled something, an agreement I think. Then I realised what I had just done. We'd been friends for years, and now I was thinking that I was in love with the man! I ran out of sickbay.

After the second Voyager was destroyed and Harry and Naomi Wildeman returned I proceeded to spend all my off-duty time in my quarters. I couldn't face him. Why would he affect me like this? Megan Elizabeth Delaney - confident, sexy, and intelligent. Why should any man affect me like that? I'd been too arrogant.

On my third day of isolation he came to my quarters. I was so surprised when the doors swished open and he stood there with an uncertain smile on his face that I dropped the cup of hot chocolate I was carrying. The cup didn't break on the carpet, but the hot liquid splashed all over our feet. We both yelped. I quickly apologised and invited him in.

We spent a long time just sitting there, on other sides of the coffee table. Then one of us began talking. I don't know who or why, but once we started it was like we couldn't stop. We talked for hours, and when we got too tired, we curled up on my bed together. Part of me hated myself for needing someone so badly, for needing a man so badly. Mom had always taught us that we didn't need anyone to be happy, we just needed to be happy with ourselves. It was the lesson we grew up with and appreciated, but there were two times when I didn't follow that rule. The first was with you. I could never exist without you Jen, you truly are my soul sister. Confidant and friend. The second time, needless to say, was with Simon.

He was the *one*, Jen.

Our relationship travelled over a pretty smooth road while we were together. A few minor disagreements, but they were always resolved pretty quickly. We'd both agreed that we would wait before having sex. But we never said what we were waiting for.

Then came the abduction of Voyager. After being taken over by the Kazon and dumped on a planet, I was so desperately glad that I had Simon. We spoke to each other in hushed tones, deciding what we'd have to do if we were trapped on Hanon IV forever. We couldn't keep our relationship a secret.

Fate didn't give us much of a choice.

A Hanonian land eel. What a pathetic name for the creature that killed the man I love. When Neelix returned to the group with the fragments of Simon's uniform, it was all I could do not to sob out loud. I hugged myself silently, before slipping away so I could cry without interruption.

You've asked me in the past why I was so quiet while we were on Hanon IV and when we returned to Voyager.

I think that answers your question.

In truth, that's part of the reason I got involved with Ayala. It had been almost a year since Simon died and I realised I couldn't wallow forever. When I was out socialising I was fine; no one had any idea what had happened to me.

It was the anniversary of his death that really got to me. Ayala found me in the hydroponics bay crying and things developed from there. It was strictly a 'fun' relationship, we both knew that. But he was there for me when I needed him, and I love him dearly for his help.

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