God Bless Jonas Quinn
by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net

Disclaimer – MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.

A ‘Nightwalkers’ episode addition that is not to be taken seriously. Spoilers for ‘Frozen’ and ‘Nightwalkers’. Most definitely written before ‘Abyss’ aired.


Someone, somewhere, had a really sick, twisted, and depraved sense of humour.

Not only had he recently been forced to have a snake in his head – not only that – but someone had actually thought it would be a good idea to put him in a room alone with Jonas Quinn.

Who was putting on a slide show.

“Now here,” The madman declared, moving his hand up and down the side of the latest projected image, “we have Teal’c wearing a black hat.”

Ohhh yes. State the obvious, why don’t you?

This really was an obscene form of torture; it wasn’t as if he could even get out of the room. Though his mind felt as active as ever – well, as active as it ever got, anyway – his body was still far too weak to attempt any real movement without considerable assistance.

And he’d be damned if he’d ask anyone for that assistance.

At least, that was what his pride had been telling him until Jonas strode into the ‘room’ five minutes ago. With the equipment he’d brought with him and a little Tok’ra assistance, it hadn’t been long before he had images of their latest mission projected on the wall.

Since the ‘blending’ – God, what a vague term for such an intimate thing – Kanan had pretty much been keeping itself to itself. No doubt aware of Jack’s intense dislike for it’s...it’s kind (don’tthinkaboutitdon’tthinkaboutit), it had apparently decided its best course of action was to lay low, get the healing done, and get the hell out of dodge.

There had actually been a few seconds about two hours ago when Jack had completely forgotten it was there.

Now, however, he was actually considering trying to strike up a conversation with the snake in his head. Maybe he could convince it to ‘take over’ and pretend to be him while his own mind ran screaming from the horror that was Jonas’ slide show.

Or not.

There were some things he would never willingly agree to.

Heh. He chuckled internally, mirthlessly. Hadn’t this very situation always been one of them?

“I have a question,” Jack managed to murmur, deciding that if maybe he sounded interested he might actually become interested – kind of a chicken and the egg thing. He shifted minutely in his ‘bed’. Flat Tok’ra crystals. Comfort was not the key word here, but at least his body was pretty much numb all over.

Pleased to be getting some attention, Jonas turned away from the flat Tok’ra crystal wall – specially built just so Jack could see the pictures.

Lucky him.

“Yes Colonel?”

“Are you really supposed to be...” Geez, it was hard to talk. “...taking pictures of potentially top secret activities as a hobby?”

“Well,” Jonas smiled. “There’s nothing actually ‘top secret’ here. Just think of it like we...went on vacation.”

Great. They got a vacation. He got a snake. Go figure. But his throat was too tired to argue. “Sure.” He really shouldn’t have spoken that much. Even that small effort had been-

“And here’s a picture of Sam.”

Sam? SAM? When the hell did he start calling her-ooo, shades, black coat, and the roof of a car. Obviously she’d just got out of the car in question, and though the shades concealed her eyes Jack had little doubt that she was smiling and rolling those eyes at the man behind the camera.

He could almost believe it was him.

He didn’t feel quite so tired anymore. Maybe this *would* be interesting...


Oh, how very wrong he’d been.

There had been some vague highlights – pretty much anytime Carter appeared. A few more of Teal’c, a few more of her; then the motel room, the parking lot, the restaurant, the car, the street...

His eyes started to cross somewhere around the tree.

The tree. The *tree*? For crying out loud, it wasn’t like he hadn’t seen enough of them.

But it got better.

Here’s some grass. And oh – some mud.

He probably should have appreciated it; seeing his friends, seeing what they’d been doing and where they’d been doing it, but it was just after the cat and just before the crack in the pavement that Jack risked the agony in his throat and spoke again.

“Whose...idea was this?”

Frowning, Jonas’ finger hovered over the button on his remote control thingy. “Well, taking the pictures was my idea, but Teal’c suggested I show them to you. He thought it might ‘entertain’ you.”

“Entertain me?” *Entertain* him?

Nodding, Jonas smiled. “His own words. Guess he knew what he was talking about, huh?” And the next picture came up.

And the next.

Teal’c’s idea? This was Teal’c’s idea? His friend? His buddy? The man who had to know what hell he was going through already, even if he’d never experienced it personally? HIS idea?

And the next.

How could he *possibl*-?

Holy shit!

He wasn’t quite sure if he said it aloud – wouldn’t ever be sure if he said it aloud – but he was suddenly trying to sit up, collapsing in agony, and staring at the wall in a pretty good imitation of a deer in one hell of a good set of headlights.

“Colonel?” Jonas’ voice. “Are you all right?”

“Cramp, cramp. Fine.”

It was just...



Carter *in* leather.


Carter in leather pants smiling.

He blinked for the first time in thirty seconds.

Jonas was prattling on about something, and Jack soon found himself talking over top of him. “Say Jonas, you’re really getting better at this photo thing.”

‘Surprised’ was much too mild a word. “I am?”

“Oh yeah. The lighting in this one in particular really...sets it off nicely. You, uh, got anymore like it?”

Jack did manage to take some perverse pleasure out of the fact that for the first time since they’d met, Jonas was completely and utterly confused.

“I, uh, think...you know, it could just be Sam. She’s very – photogenic? Is that the word?”

Jack nodded for two different reasons. And ‘Sam’ again. He’d resigned himself to the fact that no one would be calling her that on a regular basis now – and along came Jonas, blowing all his theories away.


Jonas had already turned back to the wall, flicking through the images until the next one of Carter popped up.

Leather. Again.

Jack wondered if he was turning into a dirty old man – drooling over a beautiful woman wearing leather pants. But no, he decided – he was just a man. What guy *wouldn’t* drool over her dressed like that?

Well...maybe Jonas, actually. While he had to be aware of how attractive she was, he seemed to think nothing of those, those...really terrific things she was wearing.

Maybe it was an Earth guy thing.

Another pict-

Holy Mary Mother of God!

“Oh,” Jonas announced. “That must have been when I tripped over the rug in the motel room.”



Carter *in* leather.

Bending over.

Carter in leather bending over.

Ohhhh, this was so wrong it wasn’t even funny. “Jonas, I really think you should turn that off-”


Shit oh shit oh shit.



Not in the pictures.


She walked in, smiling. “I came to see how you were...” And then she looked over at Jonas. And then she looked behind Jonas.

And then her smile vanished.

Shit oh shit oh shit.

Finally realising what she might be upset about – and how could a guy *that* smart be *that* dumb? – Jonas pressed a button and the image disappeared. He also, it appeared, had no qualms about leaving a severely injured guy behind to fend for himself.

Jack made a mental note to make a written note of that when he got back.



Not smiling.

In fact, actually glaring.

He cleared his throat. That hurt, so he didn’t do it again. “Uh, he, uh...took the picture.” That was it? That was the best he could do to show that it wasn’t his fault?

“I know,” She said, but it was what she didn’t say that Jack heard loud and clear:

“But *you* were looking at it.”

And what could he say to that? That he’d made a half-hearted attempt to get Jonas to turn it off? That if she hadn’t walked in just then she never would have known? That it was just bad timing that he got caught at all?

That, given the chance, he’d do it again in a heartbeat?

He said the only thing he could.

“I’m a sick man.”

A smile – that she’d been holding back for some time, apparently – forced its way on to her face. “Yes you are.”

Still grinning, she turned and walked out of the room. He made an overt point of not watching her leave, not wanting her to think that all he was doing as she went was staring at her butt, because – he had to face it – after seeing those pictures, that’s all he *would* have been doing.

Sighing, he stared up at the ceiling, a sight he’d been hideously bored with earlier but now didn’t seem quite so bad. So...all Teal’c’s idea, huh? That crafty old Jaffa – he’d known exactly what he was doing. When he got out of this, he owed his buddy big time.

And Jonas?

Well, if Jonas hadn’t been so anal in the first place and taken a picture at every opportunity, he’d never have seen her in that spectacular piece of clothing, so – as much as he loathed admitting it – he owed him, too.



God bless Jonas Quinn.


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