by Suz email@example.com
Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.
Spoilers for 'Divide and Conquer', 'Paradise Lost', and 'Metamorphosis'. A 'Metamorphosis' episode addition (ooo, what a shocker!) Feedback would be adored. Rated R for language, just in case.
There are times when she doesn't want to love him.
It's concerned her on occasion, as if it's not 'true' (which it doesn't have to be) or 'real' (which it really shouldn't be). And then she remembers.
Complicated, screwed up, terrifying and enriching.
And oh yeah - that butt.
It's the most real relationship she's ever had. Maybe it's not a relationship in the most obvious sense of the word, but it goes deeper, further, than it ever has with anyone else.
Which isn't to say that she doesn't want to fuck his brains out. It's just that, unfortunately, right now she knows better.
But there are times when she doesn't want to love him. When he does something that she really should consider stupid but actually understands all too well; when there's always an excuse involving duty or the team, but they're not the reason at all.
She's not arrogant.
She just knows.
When he puts himself at risk simply for *her* and nothing else...that's when she doesn't want to love him. When she doesn't want to understand.
This isn't one of those moments.
She's dying. She knows it, he knows it - it's inescapable.
It's not how she wants it. It doesn't have to be fast, but it should have meaning. She should be fighting, yelling, striking the enemy - preferably with him at her side.
Not melting in a cell, on a bed so infected with dirt that she can't tell where the grime ends and the colour of the blanket begins.
Not with him being helpless. He loathes situations where he can't *act*. He' s a man of movement, rhythm.
Another cramp takes over her body, forcing her to close her eyes as she fails to hide her reaction.
He notices. Despite everything, always so damned observant. "What?"
"Nothing. I'm fine." The pain lingers for longer each time.
"Get some rest," He murmurs softly. "That's an order."
She wants to, but most of all she wants to make him feel useful. When she dies, he's going to need...something. Knowledge that somehow, he helped.
She looks towards Teal'c. Her friend. He was there, twice. She doesn't have to say anything; being utterly Teal'c he quietly nods and turns away.
How would she handle this if Jonas were here? (And God, she prays he's all right).
Her decision is made; she leans towards him, her face first brushing the material of his jacket, then the strength concealed beneath.
He doesn't object. He doesn't move.
She closes her eyes, shifting her head until she's as comfortable as she's going to get.
Not just giving him purpose, but for once needing him, for comfort.
She's almost glad that she's dying.
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