A Study of Perception
by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net

Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.

Sequel to 'Choiceless' which can be found here.

Rated R for implied content, to be on the safe side. Again, not a nice story.

I'm planning another one to follow.

Spoilers for 'Jolinar's Memories', 'Devil You Know', and 'Absolute Power'.


"I've been having dreams."


"Not nightmares. Just dreams."


"Jolinar. What she had to do with Bynar."

"I'd say that's understandable given recent events."

"I know that. After we came back from…well, hell…I had dreams about it for a few months. What she had to do. Not particularly pleasant dreams. Which I know is also understandable, and it makes some kind of sense that after what happened I'd be dreaming about it again."


"I…realised something. Or noticed something. Something I probably didn't want to notice before. It was there, it was always there, I just didn't want to acknowledge it."

"And that was…?"

"She loved Martouf, I know she loved Martouf, I still *feel* that she loved Martouf…but…what she had to do with Bynar…she enjoyed it. She didn't enjoy everything about it - and I know for a fact that she had much better sex with Martouf - but she didn't think it was a particularly bad experience."

"This bothers you."


"Physical gratification isn't something to be ashamed of. And from what you've told me before, in Jolinar's case it wasn't exactly rape."

"It was close enough. It was the only way to get out of there."

"She was choiceless."


"Just like you were."

"Yes. That's what bothers me."


"What I had to do with Shoka…I didn't enjoy it…but I didn't completely hate it."


"This is ridiculous. I don't need to be psycho-analysed, I don't need to blame my parents for anything, and I don't need to be told that some dream I had ten years ago about gardening in the nude explains my existence."

"You had a dream about gardening in the nude?"

"Look, I really don't want to be here. Can I go?"

"Of course."

"I can?"



"I wouldn't lie to you."

"Well…that's great! See ya."

"Of course in my report to General Hammond-"

"Oh here it comes,"

"I'll be forced to mention the fact that you refused to-"

"For crying out loud…I take it this 'I wouldn't lie to you' policy doesn't cover blackmail? This chair's uncomfortable."

"Do you want mine?"

"Yours looks worse. Look, Doctor MacKenzie-"

"Jack, we've been over this."

"Fine. *Steven*. What do you want me to say? A member of my team was assaulted. It's not the first time it happened and it won't be the last. We've dealt with this before."

"Yes, but not with this particular type of assault."

"Admittedly it's worse than most. I don't even know why I'm here."

"General Hammond asked me to talk with the rest of SG-1 for a very good reason."

"And that would be…?"

"SG-1 are a very close team. You care about each other a lot."

"Well, yeah. Like family."

"Precisely. Sam's the only woman in that family. I know you treat her the same as the others, that most of the time the fact that she's a woman doesn't even come into consideration. But the fact remains: she is a woman. There's no way to ignore that."

"I'm not trying to ignore that."

"The General disagrees. He mentions a conversation where you wanted to take several SGC teams through the Stargate-"

"Okay, okay. I was pissed - who wouldn't be? But I calmed down, I talked to Carter, we watched that stupid movie about the boat sinking - which, by the way, was a torture all its own - and we're fine now."


"Really. Apart from the fact I'll never get those three hours of Leonardo DiCraprio back, yeah."

"That was quick."

"What can I say? I'm a fast guy."

"You might not want that reputation to get around."

"I'll have you know that…hey, what are you implying?"

"So you're fine?"

"What do you want from me? My second in command - who also happens to be a friend - was raped. Of course I'm not *fine*. But I'm dealing with it."

"You're angry with her."

"No. No. I'm angry at what she had to do. I understand why she did it, but that still doesn't make it okay."

"It was the right decision."

"Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. This isn't about right and wrong."

"I thought that was what everything was about."

"Not this."

"What is 'this' about then?"

"Doesn't matter."


"Anyway doc, what was your point earlier? About ignoring the fact that she's a woman."

"Why won't you admit that you care about her?"

"I do. Why, just the other day I told her that-"

"In front of others. Why won't you admit that you care about her in front of others?"

"We're in the Air Force, doc. There are regulations-"

"Not about 'caring'. In fact, as far as I know there isn't a single regulation anywhere that says you can't care about someone."

"I don't like this."

"One subject or the other, Jack. You can't avoid both."

"The other."

"Okay. Why isn't it about right and wrong? What is it about?"



"I couldn't stop it."


"I think Jack's having a harder time with this than anyone."

"Why do you say that?"

"There's the general obnoxious behaviour, the lame attempts at humour…"

"I understood that's how he behaved normally."

"Yeah, well, you know Jack. Don't deal with something you can laugh at instead."

"You sound annoyed."

"I guess I am."

"Mind if I ask why?"

"He's not dealing with it. You know, he's not the only one who's been affected by this. He seems to be under the impression that he's the only one who's upset, or grieving. For Christ's sake - Sam was the one who was raped! By the way he's been acting you'd think it was him."

"Have you spoken to him about this?"

"Are you kidding?"

"No. What do you think he's not dealing with it?"

"The general obnoxious behaviour, the lame attempts at humour…"

"Have you considered that maybe it's the only way he *can* deal with it?"

"But he should *talk* to someone."

"Maybe he is. Are you talking to someone?"

"Well you're here, so unless I'm hallucinating…sorry. I was channelling Jack there for a moment. I've been talking to Teal'c, a little. It's helped."


"He seems to be able to talk this all in his stride, but then I guess he must have seen some nasty things as…"




"What? Oh, sorry."

"Where were you?"

"Sha're. This…makes me think about…"

"What we discussed before. What Apophis did to her. What she couldn't stop herself from doing."

"It was still rape."

"I'm not justifying it, Daniel. I'm just saying what is."

"But then…I suppose something good did come out of it."

"The Harcesis."


"You miss him."

"I didn't think I would. I mean I barely knew him long enough but there was some kind of connection there."


"Yeah. She always thought our child would be amazing. Guess she was right."

"See, you're smiling. You must be feeling better."



"How's Sam doing? Really?"

"You know I can't discuss-"

"I don't want specifics. I just need to know."

"About as well as you'd expect. I think she's been taking lessons from Colonel O'Neill in certain areas."

"Great, just great. I suppose she has good reason…she told me, you know, about when he came to visit her and they watched that movie together. She hates it as much as he does."

"Then why did she put it on?"

"Because she knew he hated it. And because she knew he'd stay anyway."


"I continue to find these experiences strange."


"In my culture there are no 'specialists' to assist you in the analysis of your feelings. You do it yourself."

"Is that why you're holding up so well?"

"I do not need to 'hold up'. Major Carter is a strong individual. I am certain she will be fine."

"She was effectively raped, Teal'c."

"I am aware of that. I know that it can be an emotional experience for those involved, but I have also witnessed firsthand how some will not let it effect them."

"You mean as First Prime to Apophis."

"Yes. I often witnessed rapes and was sometimes forced to perform them myself. It amused Apophis."

"Asserting his power."

"I regret my part in it, but if I had to do it over again I would not hesitate. If I had not done as ordered, he would undoubtedly have killed them and probably me as well."



"A common theme."


"You've never discussed this before."

"You did not ask before."

"That's because I didn't know. I think we should talk about-"

"I mean no offence Dr MacKenzie, but I do not need to discuss it nor do I want to. I only mentioned it to prove that I understand what Major Carter had endured."

"There's a bit of a difference, Teal'c. You weren't the one being raped."

"I know that. But she is Major Carter. She will be fine."


"Should've known you'd drag me in here eventually."

"Come on George, you're disappointing me! I never used to be able to get anything past you."

"I'm getting old, Steve. So…who told you to talk to me?"

"No one. Just thought you could use it."

"I'm touched."

"Avoidance through humour, George. You should know better."

"I guess O'Neill is rubbing off on me."

"Poor you."

"Enough of the banter, Steve, but…before we start…I'd like to ask you something. Something I've always wondered."

"Go ahead."

"Why do you do what you do?"

"To listen, George. I'm just here to listen."


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