A Part Of Her
Disclaimer - Paramount own everything. Yawn.
Dedicated to everyone who encouraged me, but mostly to Cheryl for her death threatsJ
So had it been worth it? Had she been right to sacrifice her relationship with Chakotay to try and get the crew home? She still didn't know. Part of her, the logical part (Tuvok's influence, of course), said it had been. What did it matter if their relationship wasn't as close as it had been? She was the Captain of a Starship; she shouldn't need anyone.
Of course, another part of her disagreed. She wasn't sure what to call that part of her. Needy, selfish perhaps. That part of her was so intent on giving in to what she wanted. Who cared if the crew got home or not? Who cared if they never saw their loved ones again? That part of her certainly didn't. It was the part of her who wanted to finally destroy the invisible barrier between them. No, that wasn't right. It was the invisible barrier that surrounded her and only her. He had never hidden anything from her. From the rest of the crew, yes, he was a very private man. But from her he hid nothing. Perhaps that was the way he always was when he fell in love.
This part of her was…tired. Exhausted physically and emotionally for a multitude of reasons. Lack of sleep was a good reason. Of course that was her doing as well. She'd spent so many fruitless nights unable to sleep, thinking over their relationship. The only conclusion she'd come to every morning as she rose from another sleepless night was that she couldn't come to a conclusion. She could never make a decision regarding him and stick to it. She'd be determined to keep him at a distance, and then she'd suddenly realise that she had her hand on his chest. That bothered her. She couldn't be indecisive. The crew of Voyager needed a Captain who knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it. Certainly, most of the time that was how they saw her, so she couldn't let them see this side of her. How could they still respect her command style if they realised just how indecisive she was?
Yet again she was arguing with herself.
That part of her was also tired of being alone. It didn't want to come back to empty quarters every night after another tense day. It wanted her to wrap her arms around Chakotay, telling him that she was sorry, so sorry, for being such an idiot. That part of her was tired of only finding release through masturbation. Oh she knew there was nothing wrong with it (despite what her mother had tried to convince her) and before arriving in the Delta Quadrant it wasn't something that would have bothered her. But it felt…empty somehow because she knew the man she loved was lying in the room next to hers. It wouldn't matter if the sex would be better than the masturbation or not, because she would be with him.
But she wouldn't have that. She couldn't have that. She wished she had never been thrown into the Delta Quadrant, that she wasn't in this situation. But if she hadn't she would never have met Chakotay. Her feelings for Justin and Mark had always been comfortable, dependable - something she could rely on. But with this man there came something else - excitement, fear - it wasn't in the least bit predictable. What was that saying - 'It is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all'.
She had a feeling that whoever said that had never actually experienced it. The reality was far different from those 'words of wisdom'. The irony was that she'd never really had anything to lose, but she still felt as if she had.
She missed the gorgeous smile that he only ever used on her. She even missed his twisted sense of humour. After her decision had been made they'd grown further and further apart, but now they seemed to be at a crossroads. More accurately, they were at a stop sign. Their relationship seemed to be frozen. There were still so many things that were unresolved between them that they couldn't move on, but they couldn't go back to what they had been either. They could never return to their old relationship, and that terrified her. She'd finally been able to get a handle on their relationship. There were still unsaid emotions, feelings that they couldn't acknowledge, but she could cope with that.
But they couldn't stay where they were now forever. They needed each other too much. Though she didn't want to admit, she knew she needed him. His comfort, his support. She couldn't get that from anyone else on board Voyager, not even Tuvok and she knew he tried, despite his Vulcan heritage. Chakotay was the only one who really understood her, and that scared her more than anything else.
Maybe she should just try and be happy with what she had. As it was, she had a good working relationship with her First Officer. The relationship between Kathryn and Chakotay was in pieces, but between Captain and XO it was stable.