by Suz

Disclaimer - Paramount showed me how to grout.


'I tied my fingers to remind me to leave you every day
while my hair is growing white, the strings are turning grey
one by one they come undone until they fall away
kiss me idle kiss me idle'

- kiss me idle - the verve pipe


I should have left you today. I should have left you today. Every afternoon it comes back to me. I shouldn't have spent the night making love to you, shouldn't have spent the night sleeping with you.

It's been...what? Ten, twelve years?

We always said it would be a one night thing, just to get it out of our system. Seemed like a logical plan; if we could get the sex out of the way then the tension would be gone and we could just get back to our jobs.

It was you of all people who actually suggested the idea - I just about lost the ability to stand when you bluntly told me what you had in mind and if I wouldn't mind agreeing to it.

What am I, stupid?


But not that night.

But I should have left you today.

I studied my reflection in the mirror, looking at all the streaks of grey that I used to dye before you told me to leave them. Apparently they're sexy. Never figured that one out myself, but you said they were and gave me ample proof to your theory.

I don't think I'll view Seven's alcove the same way ever again. Neither will she, considering she found us...'coitus interruptis' I think you called it. Something we've experienced many times now, although usually through the more sedate route of a com badge or an annoying Vulcan.

I should have left you today.

We're still where we were twelve years ago when we first slept together. There's still the closeness and the friendship, but there's no advancement in the relationship. I'd always wanted more if we were going to have a long-term relationship and I made that clear. You made it equally clear that it was just a one night thing and as long as that was it I wasn't going to push for anything else. But twelve years...and nothing. Apart from the sex.

I suppose I shouldn't complain.

I'm too easily swayed, that's my problem. "Just one night." Uh huh. Then you sashay up to me the next night and we think "Well, how is two nights any different?" Those two nights rapidly developed to two years, then four, then six...

The whole crew knows about us except for Tuvok, although I think your theory about him being in denial could be right on the mark. I've noticed that he does everything he can to avoid conversations regarding either of our personal lives.

B'Elanna seemed to think it was funny as hell when she found out...and Seven...well...she wanted us to continue so she could witness procreation in all its glory. She knew the biological processes obviously, but had never seen it performed (despite everything she had heard on deck nine, section twelve).

I would have said no, I really would have. If I hadn't been so far gone.

Every now and then I see you blushing for apparently no reason, and I instantly know what you're remembering.

Tom pretty much shared B'Elanna's view, although I did receive an 'anonymous' letter saying "if you hurt her I'll kill you." I remember you found that particularly amusing.

Harry didn't stop grinning for a whole year.

And Neelix...he hasn't stopped grinning for the last twelve years. Not much change for someone who doesn't know him very well, but every morning he greets us with the same phrase: "Hello Captain and Commander. And how are *you two* today, hmmm? Sleep well?"

Subtlety was never his strong point.

But then neither was cooking.

I was going to do it. I was going to leave you today. I stared in the mirror, studying the grey that didn't use to be there, realising how much time had actually passed. And I told myself: I will do it. I will leave her.

And then you walked into my quarters.

You were still in uniform and you looked so tired...and then you smiled and touched my face and any doubt I'd ever had vanished and you pulled my head down as I pulled your clothes off.

I watch you as you sleep now. Peaceful, breathing softly. Snoring occasionally. This is a beautiful moment, I couldn't possibly do it now.

I should have left you today. But I will do it tomorrow.


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Suz's Voyager Fanfic