Difficult
by Suz suzvoy@tesco.net
Disclaimer – MGM/Gekko/Double Secret own them.
Spoilers for ‘In The Line of Duty’, ‘Divide and Conquer’, ‘Beneath The Surface’, and ‘Entity’. An ‘Entity’ episode addition, set after Jack shoots her twice, but before the scene in the infirmary. Short.
*
Dead.
She was dead.
Because of him.
Retreating to where he always went when *that* particular situation got *that* bad, he sat on the bench in their locker room. He knew, of course, that her locker area was just behind him – he’d positioned himself so it would be, so he wouldn’t have to look at her name on the wall.
Yet even though he didn’t want to see it, there was a strange kind of...pleasure? That it existed at all. That he’d known her. Worked with her. Been enthralled by her.
Killed her.
Any thought of pleasure was eradicated.
As before, Teal’c opened the door and stepped inside.
As before, Teal’c lowered himself until he was sitting on the bench.
As before, he said, "This is difficult."
Jack said nothing.
What was difficult?
Walking away from Thera, her laughter, her brilliance, the feel of her head on his shoulder, knowing there was nothing he could do?
Hitting, pounding, *pleading*, knowing – but refusing to believe – there was nothing he could do?
Firing the zat a second time, watching her slump to the floor, knowing there was no other choice?
Not being able to save her?
Watching her limp, lifeless body, being wheeled into the infirmary?
Retreating?
Suddenly realising that, without even noticing it, he saw her differently?
Working with her?
Watching her sudden embarrassment when one of them – usually him – went a step too far?
Calling her "Carter"?
Being "sir", forever?
Wishing that, sometimes, he hadn’t even met her? Or that it had never gone this far?
Hating himself for wishing that, sometimes, he hadn’t even met her?
Or the tone in Teal’c’s voice? The fact that he, and so many others, knew?
He was a private man. This was a private thing.
So he stood up, and silently left the room. It was the reason Teal’c had come to see him, no doubt. Saying something about how "if it were any of member of SG-1, you would be sitting with us."
And it was the truth.
But she was *her*.
And he was *him*.
And it was difficult.
~FINIS