The Vast Mattress Mountain
by Suz

Disclaimer - MGM/Gekko own them, I don't…you know the score.

Shameless, shameless, and probably not very logical.


It was - officially - the most interesting way he had woken up in years. Possibly ever.

His first thought was a question: how the hell had someone managed to put his bed on the ceiling? Not to mention the table, the lamp, and everything else he could manage to see through his sleep-fogged eyes.

No, no this was more than just feeling sleepy. This was one hell of a hangover, but it was also something else.


He'd been drugged.

Turning his head to the left, he winced as he looked directly at the light bulb a few feet away. Its presence confirmed his unacknowledged fears, and as his body fought off the effects of the drugs and he became aware of the inevitable pull of gravity, he knew with a sickening dread what had happened.

He was strapped to the ceiling.

Some Birthday this was turning out to be. He hadn't been the victim of a prank on this scale since his Black Ops days.

Then, as his senses began to return, he realised something else: their fun was only just beginning.

With the mind of someone who had performed a variety of sick jokes in his time, Jack O'Neill knew immediately what was brushing against his chin: Sam Carter's hair.

Yep. He was starting to feel his body now, and it was definitely her.


It was definitely her.

They'd obviously strapped her to him and then, somehow - God knew how - they'd hoisted them both up to the ceiling. And, of course, they had to strap her so she was facing him, didn't they?

Oh those bastards were gonna pay...

"I am going to kill Daniel."

It was Sam who spoke, the timbre of her voice vibrating through his body. He hadn't even realised that she was awake.

Trying to act...normal, casual, however the hell you were supposed to act when you were strapped to your very, very attractive 2IC and were hanging from the ceiling, he failed in his attempt not to clear his throat. "You think he did this?"

Although obviously angry, she didn't actually seem too fazed by the situation. "Well, I figure he had to at least know about it. Something like this must have taken a lot of help from all parties involved."

Jack couldn't decide if he loved or hated the way she tried to distance herself. He did know one thing for sure: he was jealous as hell that she could distance herself at all. The fact that his body was obviously still not completely aware of what was going on was the only good news he could think of.

"The last thing I remember is..." He frowned, recalling. "Deciding against the journey home and going to sleep on that bed," He was talking about the one he was looking at, but he quickly realised it was a moot point as the only thing she could currently see was his neck.

A quick thought flickered through his mind before he forced it away: thank God they were dressed. Even the people who did this to them wouldn't cross that line.

Sam nodded, her hair brushing against his skin. "I remember...singing. Loudly." She sounded distinctly embarrassed, but he was more interested in what her breath so close to his neck was doing to him. "And then you...jumped out of a cake. Or was that a dream?"

"I think it's safe to say that was a dream." He paused. "I hope. Can you move?"

She proceeded to prove that she could move, and although it wasn't a large amount of movement, it was still enough to send his temperature skyrocketing.

Oh he really was going to kill whoever was responsible for this...

Jack already knew that he could move his head - his hands were a different matter. They'd been purposefully strapped to his sides. Growling, he studied the area of the ceiling as best he could, and soon spotted large hooks that had been embedded into the ceiling. The straps holding them in place were attached to said hooks.

Telling Carter what he knew he stopped talking when he spotted the security camera. It was pointed right at them. "They're looking at us."


"They're looking right at us Carter, through the security camera."

He could feel the smirk on her lips against his skin, and couldn't stop himself from shivering.

If she noticed, she didn't say anything. "I hope they're enjoying the view."

Tipping his head back, staring directly at the camera he shouted, "Lap it up, boys! You'll get your own!"

Logically, he knew that they probably knew that before they even did this, but they'd decided it was worth the risk so there was really no point in him saying anything. But he did feel a little better for it.

A little.

Maybe...maybe he was seeing this all wrong. Maybe...maybe he should enjoy what had happened to them because - he had to face it - the chances of him getting this close to Carter again were slim to none.

Especially since that za'tarc thing. They'd both been more than a little careful around each other since that.

So, he began enjoying himself.

"So, Carter...not exactly how you imagined you'd wake up today, huh?"

"Strangely enough sir, no."

Good. He could feel her smiling. At least she had her sense of humour. "Do you suppose we for help or something?"

"Actually sir, I don't think-"

The door to the room swung open. Daniel Jackson stepped in, apparently looking for someone or something. Making a quick sweep of the room and completely missing the fact that Jack and Sam were hanging from the ceiling, he saw no one there and turned to leave.

Deciding from what he'd just seen that maybe Daniel didn't know anything about what had happened to them after all, Jack cleared this throat.

Frowning, Daniel turned back, still not spotting them. "Jack?"

"Up here, Danny."

The expression on Daniel's face as he looked up was something Jack would savour for many years. Or at least the next minute, anyway. After a long pause all the scientist could manage to get out was "Wow."

"'Wow' is right," Jack agreed.

Sam was trying to turn her head to look at him, but it wasn't easy. "Hi Daniel," She greeted, the words mostly muffled against Jack's chest.

He got the point. "Uh...hi Sam." The initial shock now seeming to wear off, Daniel started to grin. And didn't stop. "Shall I leave you two alone?"

"Very funny Daniel - as if we could get up to anything strapped together like this anyway." Feeling Carter stiffen at the mention, he quickly added, "Even if we did want to do anything." He paused. "Which we don't."

Daniel nodded thoughtfully, clearly not buying it. "Uh hu."

"Look, will you just help us out here?!"

"Calm down, Jack." Daniel walked further into the room, tipping his head back further the closer he got to them. "You know...shake something loose. You know, I don't think I can do anything here by myself. I think I should go and get-"

"Daniel," Jack warned. "Don't get anyone. For a start, they're probably all in on it, and I don't want anyone who isn't in on it seeing us like this."

"Why not?"

He felt Sam shrug in response to Daniel's question.

The Colonel sighed. "It's...undignified."

"Since when did that ever bother you?"


"Jack! I can't get you down by myself, I'm going to need help. Look, I'm going to get the General. We'll see what he says. Back in a minute."

"Daniel! Daniel, don't you dare bring Hammond in here!"

If the archaeologist heard him - which he must have - he simply ignored him and left the room.

"Oh for crying out loud...I thought this day couldn't get any worse."

Sam sighed against his shirt. "No offense sir, but I really don't want General Hammond to see us like this. It is...I mean it does look a little..."

"...funny," Jack concluded, knowing that neither of them thought it was funny 'ha ha'. "And although the General is an intelligent and-"

"-understanding man and will no doubt accept the fact that it was a prank," Sam continued, "It'll still look-"



"Yeah. Real funny."

"Really, really-"

"So you were saying something before Daniel came in?" He asked quickly, trying to divert his mind away from that train of thought.

"Uh, I was...? Oh! Yes...hang on a moment."

"To what?" He quipped.

Sam paused. "Sir, that was awful."

"Sorry," Although he really wasn't.

He 'hung on' for a few moments then began to frown as she started to move. He wasn't quite sure what she was up to and - frankly - he was a little worried. When he suddenly felt her hands on his, he almost screamed.

"Sir," She began, continuing to feel around his hands with her own. "I think I can undo these straps that have your hands restrained..."

"Do it then."

Nodding, she began tugging at something and within moments his left hand was free. The right hand took quite a bit longer - and quite a lot more movement, which to Jack was both a blessing and a curse - but eventually it too was free.

Holding his arms out, he wrapped them around Carter and rubbed at his wrists as best he could. "I never thought I'd be so happy to see these things again."

Brushing his hand against something accidentally, he frowned. "I'd just like to apologise in advance Carter..."

"For what, sir?"

Damn, how to say this? "I'm gonna have to do some exploration."

Realising what he meant, she nodded, her hair once again tickling his chin. "Very well sir."

He discovered very quickly that there were two straps that he could feel - one over her back and one (of course) across the back of her upper thighs. And, he realised, there must have been one over the bottom of her legs otherwise both of their feet would have been pointing towards the floor, or trying to.

"Well...I think I can undo the two over your...uh...body. I can feel buckles or something."

"Yeah, that's what was around your arms."

"But the one over your legs is gonna be the problem. We're going to need..."

At the same moment they looked at each other and shouted, "Daniel!!!"


He hadn't turned up immediately, of course. He had actually been elsewhere in the SGC looking for the General - as he said - but having no luck finding him he came back.

Now, of course, he'd been given a new mission. It hadn't been easy dragging all the mattresses from all the quarters in the SGC, but after a great deal of sweating and straining he'd managed to get them into the room Sam and Jack were hanging in.

When all the mattresses were lined up neatly underneath the not-so-happy couple, Daniel was extra cautious and placed every pillow he could find around the edges of the vast mattress mountain. Just in case. Knowing their luck they would probably land on the mattresses and roll off. Better to be safe than sorry.

Last but not least he brought in a step ladder and carefully climbed on top of the mattresses. Taking care not to lose his footing, he looked at Sam and Jack. "You two ready?"

"Ready," they replied.

Nodding, Daniel grasped the strap over their legs and began undoing the buckle. "Okay...3...2...1..."

On '1' the buckle was undone and he pulled the strap free. Immediately Sam and Jack's legs began to swing down, but as discussed - in a rather brief and embarrassed conversation - Sam wrapped her legs around the Colonel's. They didn't want to risk injuring Sam's back by making her bend the wrong way too much.

Gravity realised their bodies were still attached to the ceiling, and they eventually stopping moving.

Daniel stumbled and actually managed to get off the mattresses without getting injured.

"Holy Hannah," Sam murmured. "I'm glad I don't have to do this every day."

"Same here." Jack responded, trying to tell himself he wasn't lying. "Okay, you two ready for the next one?"

Clambering back to the top of the mattresses, Daniel put his hands where he had to - on Sam's rear. "Sorry about this, Sam."

"It's okay, Daniel. We're ready sir."

This time O'Neill reached around and - trying hard not to think about the part of the body that both he and Daniel were touching - worked on the buckle just below her rear. Feeling it about to give, he spoke. "!"

Despite themselves Jack yelled and Sam squawked, but Daniel was fast. When their movement stopped, they looked at each other uncertainly. They couldn't stay this way for long. Daniel was definitely feeling the pressure, despite the effort Sam and Jack were putting in to keep their weight off him.

"Moving to the last one," Jack gasped, using what lower body strength he possibly could to keep Carter's legs at a decent angle. Finding the buckle behind her back, he began undoing it. "Daniel, you move the moment I tell you to, okay?"

"Got it," He grunted.

"On three. 1...2...3!"

As advised Daniel suddenly let go and rolled down, this time getting a little bruised in the process, as Sam and Jack fell with an impact onto the mattress mountain.

Immediately they planted their hands on the mattresses they came into contact to, stopping themselves from falling off. When it was certain that they weren't going to, Jack lowered his head onto the mattress behind Carter's shoulder in relief before looking at her face.

"You...okay, Carter?"

She coughed. "A little winded sir. Other than that..."

He really should have been moving. He was, effectively, lying on top of his very, very attractive 2IC, on a mattress and...hey, she still had her legs wrapped around him!

Realising that in every cliché he had ever heard of that this would be a perfect opportunity for Hammond to turn up, he started to pull himself off of her and had to wait for her to realise that she still had her legs wrapped around his for him to get completely free.

Gasping, they stayed where they were, lying next to each other on top of the mattress mountain.

"I'm fine by the way," Daniel commented.

Jack ignored him. "I don't care how drunk I got last night - I need a drink."

"Agreed sir," Sam gasped.

Standing on wobbly legs, Daniel looked up at his friends. "I'll buy them. I know you two are…strapped for cash."

He almost didn't make it out alive.


I'm contemplating a sequel

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